Alone

I’m in a lot of trouble.  It seems to be that kind of season…

I got punished after work today, and I’m getting punished again tonight, and I’m banned from Facebook indefinitely.

And I feel incredibly lonely.

I’m very stressed about being punished.

And I’m very ashamed.  I’m ashamed of this aspect of my relationship and my dynamic.  I feel it is the hardest for anyone to relate to.  It makes me feel incredibly alone, because… literally no one I know has the same dynamic I have.

And at times like these when I am scared, and anxious, and nervous, and sad… I most want to talk to someone… to connect with another human being… to have people, and a community.

I’m grateful for the amazing people I do have, who can be supportive and loving even without understanding it…

And this isn’t to besmirch any of the awesome love you all send my way.  I would well and truly be lost without you.

But sometimes it’s just so hard to… to know no one can relate.

2 Comments

  • villemezbrown

    Why are you banned from facebook? Is it because it is triggering? I can understand that. I know that I can’t really truly understand the dynamics of your relationship. I hope maybe it helps a tiny bit when I say that I read this and my first thought was relief and a feeling that this is a positive sign. Even if I don’t really understand, I know that there have been times when punishment was not an option, and it seems to me that is a sign that other things are wrong, and that also made your relationship harder work or made you feel less secure or elicited other negative feelings. So, while I am not at all glad you are in trouble, this post helps me hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
    Adele

    • Shadow

      Hi Adele, yeah, Facebook was causing issues. Punishment helped but it seems like it was also triggering so it’s back off table for a while. I’m getting frustrated and stressed, but… Sir says we’ll survive.

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