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Responsibility
A recent conversation with a friend revealed a common assumption and misconception about how my relationship with Sir (or any similar dynamic) works. It’s a misconception that even exists among people who do this thing that we do. And that is a dangerous thing. I have since heard this false assumption from two other people who should actually know better. And that pisses me off. So, let’s get this straight. I am responsible for my own actions. Period. The end. I am an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions about my life. I am responsible for making those decisions and handling the consequences of those decisions. I…
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Credit
Sir left me last night with the instruction that there would be additional strokes for every minute after 10 P.M. that I procrastinated coming upstairs. He really should know better by now. C called me on it at about 10:30 and I slunk upstairs. Then I realized that Sir never told me exactly how MANY additional strokes it would be for every minute (I was going on the assumption that it would be two… possibly five, but I rationalized that if it was five, that would be way too many for me being 30 minutes late, so Sir wouldn’t be able to make it five… Logic and a lack of…
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If only I’d known about this sooner…
I wrote a guest post for a friend’s blog. It was a post I had been thinking about but it didn’t really fit here (not kink related, more writing focused). I used kink as a hook and metaphor to introduce the writing topic. Random dude who clearly didn’t read the article: “You just used the word ‘kinky’! Allow me to mansplain kink relationships to you and introduce you to this magical place called Fetlife…” Me:
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Maintenance
In our conversation I told C that Sir is starting maintenance. He’s planning a week, we’ll see if things are stable by next Wednesday. C was unfamiliar with the term, and logically associated it with a car. Which, surprisingly, surprised me into laughter. I’m not sure why that association hadn’t already been at the front of my mind. Why I hadn’t anticipated that confusion and made a different choice than use the term without explanation. Another moment of failed awareness in conversation. I’m doing a hell of a job this week. Maintenance spanking is a thing in some BDSM circles. It’s hotly debated in others. Derided in still others. Doing…
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Control
Things haven’t been going very well. Last night I spun out completely and C caught the brunt of it at a bad time for them and without preparation. I have since been able to dissociate from my feelings enough to postmortem my past five days and I have a fairly solid picture of how and why things went sideways. I also have an almost unbearable feeling of shame and guilt over losing control that way. And it is always compounded by well-meaning suggestions that all seem to involve… not losing control. Yes, if I had control of myself, I would have stepped away/out of the room, I would have taken…
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Reactive
I stayed up too late last night and Sir had to step in. I got about twenty swats with the light paddle, which… is generally not a very severe punishment. But that doesn’t stop it from hurting like fuck. Adding the fact that I was over tired (and haven’t slept well for two weeks), and my ADHD meds had worn off completely, I didn’t respond well to being punished, or being told to get in bed (reasonably because it was late). I toed VERY close to the line in being defiant to Sir (not quite over the line, but as close as I come without jumping it with both feet…)…
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Burden
Sometimes I think I only write here when I’m sad or depressed or otherwise dysfunctional. It skews my posts to look like my life is an endless stream of awfulness. It isn’t, but I seem to only come here when it is. This week is going rough. And I don’t know why. But I did realize something that may also explain why I post all my angst here. I feel like my pain is a burden that I can’t unload onto the people who love me… and who I love. This week Sir and SB have been going through a thing. It’s their business and I won’t share the details,…
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Unexpected
My friend C is a writer. They post on Facebook and recently lamented the fact that high exposure online has led to a dynamic of many people asking of their time, yet when they complain of this, the people they actually want to have take up their time actually back off to give them more space. I wrote a comment that I wasn’t sure which group I belonged to (give more space or give less space). I tend to give less space to everyone – operating on the default assumption that I am an imposition upon everyone at all times and they only tolerate me in small amounts. But, I…
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Old and New
I feel rusty. I haven’t written here for so long, it’s like I’ve forgotten my voice. Though my voice was so broken for so long, maybe I don’t need to recapture it. I think I started this blog during the M and R era. It saw me through the death of T. Through the renewal of my trauma and my PTSD. Then four years of Trump, which I don’t think I even had the capacity to recognize how deeply traumatic that was until it ended only a few weeks ago. It’s been a long string of really brutal life events. Maybe being able to write out all of my pain…
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Crash
I was doing better mood-wise for a couple of weeks. I was in that sweet spot where I seemed to have enough energy and enough motivation to get things done every day. I was making a to-do list and doing most of it. I was being gentle with myself on the things I didn’t accomplish. All of my therapists thought I was doing so well and really on the “road to recovery.” But there was a little niggling thought at the back of my head that reminded me that this was probably a false positive. This probably wouldn’t last. Then, for the past several days, my energy has become more…
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