• Reflection

    I spent a very long time writing that piece last night and I need to get to bed earlier tonight, so just a reflection on that experience right now…  It was nerve-wracking!  I rewrote the opening paragraph seven times… I was very anxious and panicky trying to write it.  But once I got into it, it started to flow and I found myself really enjoying it.  Just the initial panic attacks and fatalism were quite unpleasant. The thing I found the most difficult, though, was shutting up my perfectionism.  I kept telling myself, “Shitty first draft” (and this may help clarify why that is a useful term rather than judgmental…

  • Ease

    Today is better.  Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away.  The laundry is done and put away.  The kitchen is clean.  The house is swept.  The fridge has food in it for the week.  I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow.  I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission.  And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too.  He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…

  • Decisions

    I haven’t been sleeping well.  For a while.  Probably why I got sick… and now… mania… It’s been coming on for a couple days now that I look back at it.  And the drugs for the asthma… trigger me… and not sleeping… and beginning work… and so much… stimulation. Today I had to work on the computer and I forgot to wear my blue light lenses and I can’t type fast enough right now to keep up with myself, I keep messing up my typing and I type really fast anyway, I just… running a little faster than my fingers can move right now… I got my blue light glasses…

  • My Anxiety

      I’m tired.  I’m tired of being sick.  I’m tired of drugs and tests and needles and worrying. I’m tired of… people… believing my front. I’m tired of people trying to talk to me, plan with me, make arrangements, involve me in things… as if they think I have the capacity to even discuss anything right now.  But they do think that.  Because they don’t see me curled in a ball.  They see me handling my shit… so why shouldn’t I handle more shit?

  • Shit Getting Real

    I had an appointment with my doctors, both of them together, ’cause that’s just how awesome I am.  My male doctor was actually really nice today… he was kind, supportive, respectful, went out of his way to tell me how hard I’ve been working and how I deserve to get well and that none of this is my fault… He just got back from vacation. Maybe he needs to take more of them. In less awesome news…  I’m… It was not a good news appointment. The only good news is that there is a positive result on my staph colony test.  Which means I have a new staph colony.  It’s…

  • Bad Week

    It’s Friday night.  Sir came home a little while ago with K and J.  I got sent upstairs to do my blog.  I’m irritated about that.  And I’m irritated at the power dynamic in the house right now.  I’m trying to tell myself that I’m projecting because I’m pissed off about a power dynamic at work.  But I’m STILL pissed off at home, projection or no! And I’m pissed at K, which isn’t good.  He and I can push each other’s buttons and… hey… I just realized I’m the only one besides his daughter that can really push his buttons.  I’m not sure if that’s anything to be proud of.…

  • Weary

    Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night.  He’s going to get beaten.  It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me.  Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too.  And with my therapist today.  And with Sir tonight.  Here’s what I’m clear about…  I don’t want Sir to not go through with it.  I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.

  • Black Holes and Porridge – Moments with Sir

    As the time for my departure on an international trip approaches, my anxiety has risen to new heights of awesomeness.  Combined with ruminating depression, I spent most of yesterday, and all night, obsessively thinking about the most horrific things that might happen while I’m away and was completely unable to stop thinking about them. Sub Brother has been struggling a little bit as well, though not at the level I am.  But it’s enough that he’s becoming indecisive.  He becomes anxious about making a choice and it causes him to freeze a little bit sometimes, even if the decision isn’t important. Sir frequently amazes me and… at the same time……

  • Slider

    I had a rough patch for a few days.  Therapy went hard and I went into a spiral and for some reason (I’m sure therapy could explain it) I became almost intolerably self-critical for several days. And I know it’s easy for people to scold or dismiss my self-criticism.  It’s easy to say, “You’re too hard on yourself,” or “Why are you being so mean?” or “Don’t do that…” The thing is, it’s a disease. And I think even I forget that too often. This week, when this hit me, I had an episode when I was putting on clothes (my ordinary clothes that I wear all the time) and…

  • Other People’s Blogs

    So the problem with reading other people’s blogs about BDSM is… inevitably I will run across something that makes me crazy.  Probably because, you know, people.  But just recently I was reading a submissive woman’s blog and she had a “guest post” by a male dominant about what dominants need from their submissives. It was fine.  For him.  I’m sure. Of course, he didn’t phrase it as “This is what I need from a submissive relationship.”  He framed it as if this was the way to be a submissive.