• Against the Walls – Moments with Sir

    Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…

  • Facing Fears

    A while back, I had an article published on a friend’s professional blog. It was popular, apparently. He told me a month or so ago that it was the top three for that month. Now it is in the hall of fame, or something like that. So people will continue to see it. Forever. This is good. This should be good. I’m a real writer. Right? But then I feel like this should be a good blog. A real blog. Not bullshit anymore. I should actually write real articles and edit them and be focused and have a topic for each post and well constructed… But I started writing this…

  • Shut Up, Brain!

    Sir smacked my butt tonight because I said something stupid in the kitchen (stupid along the lines of – “Oh, maybe it’s okay to eat these almonds that are coated with eggs, ’cause, maybe I’m not allergic to eggs anymore…  I’ll just try a couple or five handfuls and see…”) Because I’ve been losing weight again, my jeans are getting baggy (and I JUST bought them a month ago!  Fuck!) and they’re pretty thick so the swat didn’t have the effect I’m sure he intended. And because I’m doing just awesome with my bipolar right now and have no filter on my brain, I totally started to say, “That didn’t…

  • Broken

    I took down Sub Brother, and Sir is teetering. I’m not allowed to talk about it in those terms, but… it’s true.  My issues over the last six months have put a significant strain on the household.  I’ve had many many days and nights of screaming flashbacks, sometimes lasting hours, or coming in clusters and waves, one after the other. I’ve had night when I had to lock myself in the bathroom to take my medication because I was too afraid to take it and fall asleep with the guys in the house because in my mind I believed they would rape me when I was helpless.  (THIS IS NOT…

  • Grateful

    Sir and Sub Brother had their date night tonight (eventually I’ll write about our date night system… We basically have a set up so everyone gets one-on -one time with everyone else a couple times a month.) I was supposed to wash my laundry and feed myself while they were gone (for four hours, so it wasn’t really that big a challenge). I didn’t. OMG, you totally didn’t see that coming, did you???  It’s like… Shadow was supposed to do chores.  PLOT TWIST!  She didn’t get them done!  Ammirite? So… They get back about an hour ago and I have… not done laundry… haven’t eaten… and am starting to blood…

  • Being Sir

    While I acknowledge that a triad relationship is innately very difficult (even more than normal relationships, which are hella, stupid hard), I sometimes think Sir has it the hardest.  I’m sure the grass is always… harder…? on the other side, but…

  • Need (Moments with Sir)

    “Girl, come here, I need you.” I wipe my hands on the towel hanging from the over door and walk into the living room.  Sir is on the couch, the light from the TV flickers over his face, making his eyes glitter. “Yeah?”  My hands are still damp and I wipe them on my jeans.  Sir isn’t looking at the TV.  I follow his gaze with my eyes, but see only the empty corner and the piano. “I need you…” “Yes, Sir,” I say, feeling my brow tighten in confusion.  I am afraid that I’m missing some important signal, that I’m failing to meet an expectation.  But I don’t know…

  • Family

    Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life… so… I don’t really know. But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We’re a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I was asked if they are like extended family and I suppose they could be.  I think I have them in the friend category, but definitely the most intimate friends I have, or any of us have, I think… They witness and participate in our lives in ways that nobody else does, which… definitely requires and…

  • Q & A Punishment

    What emotions do you feel during a punishment? Wow, this is already hard, and it’s just the first question.  Emotions can be different in different situations and at different stages of the punishment, but almost always sadness, anxiety, sometimes fear or panic at a certain stage.  After being punished, a little while after I often feel peaceful, relaxed, relieved. Does punishment work? For what?  It kind of depends on the purpose one is assigning to a punishment.  For me, the purpose of punishment is to help me let go of my own rumination on mistakes I’ve made, and it helps me to feel confident in my place in my relationship,…

  • Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling

    The light glints off the black case of my phone.  I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments…  The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk.  The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared.  I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors.  Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…