• Ease

    Today is better.  Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away.  The laundry is done and put away.  The kitchen is clean.  The house is swept.  The fridge has food in it for the week.  I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow.  I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission.  And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too.  He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…

  • Schroedinger’s Rain

    I wrote once about a conversation I had with Ryan about having a mental illness.  He and I both have bipolar and PTSD and anxiety.  I was talking to him about reality, about when you have a mental illness, it is like standing in the rain.  You know it is raining.  You can see the rain.  You can feel the rain.  You can smell the rain.  You are soaking wet with rain and rain is dripping into your eyes.  It is raining.  And then someone comes up and tells you that it’s not raining.  Now, you can see that this person is also getting rained on.  It is raining.  The…

  • Spirituality and Slavery – SJP

    How does spirituality affect your slavery? Or does it? Have your spiritual beliefs made it difficult to balance your slavery? Or is it a natural extension? Is your spirituality separate from your submission? Or does it play a part? Time for another submissive journal prompt. My slavery and my spirituality are… complimentary.  Or they are the same thing.  Or, perhaps, my spirituality is all of what exists and so inevitably encompasses my slavery?  But that’s kind of a cop out, so I’ll focus on the way that my slavery is a practice of my spirituality. I am a Buddhist, as in, I explore life through the questions and lessons proposed…

  • Irritants…

    First, if my brother brings up… in the last two weeks of the school year… one more time… how I’m so much better off than people working “other” jobs because I get summers off… There WILL BE BLOOD!!!!!!! Sir had to take the fucking phone away from me today while I was talking to my brother.  He hung up.  I had to go for a walk and do breathing exercises before I was allowed to even TEXT my brother back and say my phone had died.

  • Yes, Sir

    I just got back from my workout (walking for a mile).  Sir went with me despite the fact that he already did his run earlier this morning. I have been working up to walking this far ever since the pneumonia and the asthma (which followed the pneumonia just to be sure I could NEVER breathe again…).  It’s been discouraging and disheartening.  I’ve had times when I wanted to give up and let myself become progressively more out of shape, become a 600 pound woman and exist only to eat.  I’ve been embarrassed (walking 100 feet and panting out of breath) feeling that the rest of the world was looking at…

  • Quote of the Day – September 8, 2012

    There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. ~ Buddha

  • Candy Bar Wisdom

    K just came in a few minutes ago.  J dropped him off, is doing some shopping, then they’re headed to the mountains for the weekend.  They invited me but I really need to do homework. So he walks in and I am at my computer, where I’ve been sitting since 5 this morning…  Really, haven’t stood up (or hadn’t when he walked in) since 5 this morning.  He takes one look at me and says out loud with quite child-like glee while clapping his hands together (he’s got a silly streak like that) “JAMMIES!” 

  • Finding myself again

    I cried in therapy today.  Only a little.  I didn’t think I could…  I have this fear that if I let the pain too close it will break through the dam and it will be a tsunami of destruction, that I will never be able to pull it back again.  But I let it out a little, portioned it, by teaspoons, and somehow I was able to pull it back again, even though a couple of times I felt it swelling up against the dam.

  • Pain (self-injury)

    I’ve heard it took 49 days for the Buddha to become awakened. It took me a heck of a lot longer than that, and I only touched it for an instant. But I remember that instant. A flash, but not so dramatic. A flash without fanfare, so soft and subtle that it almost didn’t matter, and that meant everything.