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Ease
Today is better. Â Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away. Â The laundry is done and put away. Â The kitchen is clean. Â The house is swept. Â The fridge has food in it for the week. Â I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. Â I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission. Â And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too. Â He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…
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Broken Toys
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Schroedinger’s Rain
I wrote once about a conversation I had with Ryan about having a mental illness. Â He and I both have bipolar and PTSD and anxiety. Â I was talking to him about reality, about when you have a mental illness, it is like standing in the rain. Â You know it is raining. Â You can see the rain. Â You can feel the rain. Â You can smell the rain. Â You are soaking wet with rain and rain is dripping into your eyes. Â It is raining. Â And then someone comes up and tells you that it’s not raining. Â Now, you can see that this person is also getting rained on. Â It is raining. Â The…
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Spirituality and Slavery – SJP
How does spirituality affect your slavery? Or does it? Have your spiritual beliefs made it difficult to balance your slavery? Or is it a natural extension? Is your spirituality separate from your submission? Or does it play a part? Time for another submissive journal prompt. My slavery and my spirituality are… complimentary. Â Or they are the same thing. Â Or, perhaps, my spirituality is all of what exists and so inevitably encompasses my slavery? Â But that’s kind of a cop out, so I’ll focus on the way that my slavery is a practice of my spirituality. I am a Buddhist, as in, I explore life through the questions and lessons proposed…
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Irritants…
First, if my brother brings up… in the last two weeks of the school year… one more time… how I’m so much better off than people working “other” jobs because I get summers off… There WILL BE BLOOD!!!!!!! Sir had to take the fucking phone away from me today while I was talking to my brother. Â He hung up. Â I had to go for a walk and do breathing exercises before I was allowed to even TEXT my brother back and say my phone had died.
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Yes, Sir
I just got back from my workout (walking for a mile). Sir went with me despite the fact that he already did his run earlier this morning. I have been working up to walking this far ever since the pneumonia and the asthma (which followed the pneumonia just to be sure I could NEVER breathe again…). It’s been discouraging and disheartening. I’ve had times when I wanted to give up and let myself become progressively more out of shape, become a 600 pound woman and exist only to eat. I’ve been embarrassed (walking 100 feet and panting out of breath) feeling that the rest of the world was looking at…
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Quote of the Day – September 8, 2012
There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. ~ Buddha
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Candy Bar Wisdom
K just came in a few minutes ago. J dropped him off, is doing some shopping, then they’re headed to the mountains for the weekend. They invited me but I really need to do homework. So he walks in and I am at my computer, where I’ve been sitting since 5 this morning… Really, haven’t stood up (or hadn’t when he walked in) since 5 this morning. He takes one look at me and says out loud with quite child-like glee while clapping his hands together (he’s got a silly streak like that) “JAMMIES!”Â
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Untied Strings
Sometimes our strings must come untied…
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Finding myself again
I cried in therapy today. Only a little. I didn’t think I could… I have this fear that if I let the pain too close it will break through the dam and it will be a tsunami of destruction, that I will never be able to pull it back again. But I let it out a little, portioned it, by teaspoons, and somehow I was able to pull it back again, even though a couple of times I felt it swelling up against the dam.
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Pain (self-injury)
I’ve heard it took 49 days for the Buddha to become awakened. It took me a heck of a lot longer than that, and I only touched it for an instant. But I remember that instant. A flash, but not so dramatic. A flash without fanfare, so soft and subtle that it almost didn’t matter, and that meant everything.