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Gratitude – Moments with Sir
Sir sometimes gives me an assignment before putting me into a corner, something to think about, which requires an answer when I’m released. Often it is something like, “What success did you have today?” or “What are you grateful for?” and I have to have a satisfactory (to Sir) response when the timer goes off or the entire process starts over (hell no!) The other night after maintenance AND punishment for being late to bed, Sir sent me with a gratitude assignment. When he released me the first thing that came out of my mouth (which I had thought of but hadn’t intended to SAY, thanks so much ADHD) was,…
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Life and Pain
I’ve been struggling super hard. I feel like a failure all the time at everything. Sir has me on a new plan, as he and SB are at work, and I’m off for the summer. We’re using an app called Ike, rather than a traditional to-do list. It has, basically, urgent items, important items, “fit it in if you can” items and “back burner” items. Each evening he goes over it with me and we set my goals for the next day. Every day, “write” is on the “important” list. I’ve just about gotten ready to give up and put it on the back burner list. Or just delete it…
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Against the Walls – Moments with Sir
Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…
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Broken
I took down Sub Brother, and Sir is teetering. I’m not allowed to talk about it in those terms, but… it’s true. My issues over the last six months have put a significant strain on the household. I’ve had many many days and nights of screaming flashbacks, sometimes lasting hours, or coming in clusters and waves, one after the other. I’ve had night when I had to lock myself in the bathroom to take my medication because I was too afraid to take it and fall asleep with the guys in the house because in my mind I believed they would rape me when I was helpless. (THIS IS NOT…
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Being Sir
While I acknowledge that a triad relationship is innately very difficult (even more than normal relationships, which are hella, stupid hard), I sometimes think Sir has it the hardest. I’m sure the grass is always… harder…? on the other side, but…
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Guilt
SB got punished on Monday. Â He’s been a miserable wreck all week. Â It’s now Thursday night and I found myself not wanting to be in the room with him because… he’s just… sad. Â And then I was really annoyed with myself for my reaction, but I can’t stop feeling this underlying anger towards him for… being sad. Â Which is HORRIBLE!
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Family
Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life… so… I don’t really know. But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We’re a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I was asked if they are like extended family and I suppose they could be.  I think I have them in the friend category, but definitely the most intimate friends I have, or any of us have, I think… They witness and participate in our lives in ways that nobody else does, which… definitely requires and…
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Q & A Punishment
What emotions do you feel during a punishment? Wow, this is already hard, and it’s just the first question. Â Emotions can be different in different situations and at different stages of the punishment, but almost always sadness, anxiety, sometimes fear or panic at a certain stage. Â After being punished, a little while after I often feel peaceful, relaxed, relieved. Does punishment work? For what? Â It kind of depends on the purpose one is assigning to a punishment. Â For me, the purpose of punishment is to help me let go of my own rumination on mistakes I’ve made, and it helps me to feel confident in my place in my relationship,…
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Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling
The light glints off the black case of my phone. Â I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments… Â The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk. Â The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared. Â I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors. Â Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…
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Ease
Today is better. Â Sir stepped things up today and it helped. The dishes are done and put away. Â The laundry is done and put away. Â The kitchen is clean. Â The house is swept. Â The fridge has food in it for the week. Â I finished all of my school work that I needed done for tomorrow. Â I’m writing my blog post and it’s not even 8. I still don’t feel totally connected to my submission. Â And, even better, I think Sub Brother is struggling with his right now, too. Â He didn’t say it, but I heard him sigh when Sir told him to do something today, and… he NEVER does that!…
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