Family

Someone asked how I identify with the guys in my life… so… I don’t really know.

But I guess I consider Sir and SB my family.  Sort of.  I still am not totally sure  but for now that seems like an okay definition.  We’re a coalition of some sort.  K and J are friends.  I was asked if they are like extended family and I suppose they could be.  I think I have them in the friend category, but definitely the most intimate friends I have, or any of us have, I think… They witness and participate in our lives in ways that nobody else does, which… definitely requires and creates a deeper level of intimacy.  And I’ve been friends with them so long, especially K, that it almost feels like I’ve always known him.  That and we slept together, which makes it so much easier for me to let my guard down…  🙂

When he was alive, MJ referred to himself as my little brother, a protective little brother.  He was closer to me than my family.  I guess I just don’t have a great definition for family.  Family is the people I’m related to, not necessarily the people I’m close to.  I get how people use the definition differently, it’s just never been that in my head so… being the literal soul that I am… there we are.

I’m still sick.

Sir is gradually getting better, but between me being dizzy and asthma-y and Sir not back to his full energy, yet, we’re both kind of cranky and it’s not going very well.

Among all of the illnesses our D/s relationship has kind of gotten sidelined and I wonder if some of our crankiness is that, too.  We just seem to function better in those roles, and maybe because that’s who we are… and when we’re not being that, we’re… not being authentic to ourselves?  But neither of us is in that role outside of the house, and we manage not to bite people’s heads off, most of the time.  So… I don’t know.  Maybe we’re just cranky.

I selfishly feel like I need him to just lay down the law about some things and things will get better… because… I… apparently can’t just decide to be better on my own.  Sigh.  I should just be better.

I’ve been incredibly depressed and it isn’t letting up.

It’s not painful depression, which… maybe that’s good?  Although I’m almost at the point of wishing for pain over this…  it’s anhedonia depression, so… I just feel nothing.  Nothing all of the time.  You’d think that wouldn’t be a terrible thing, but somehow I feel like my soul is dying… painlessly… but I don’t even have enough emotion to care.  I have anxiety… but there are no thoughts with it.  I’m not worrying about anything.  I’m not even thinking.  I stare at the computer screen and play mindless games and literally think no thoughts, but my stomach is this knot of ice that I can’t thaw out.  That’s the only thing I DO feel, and it’s completely physical.

Which means I’m having a hard time obeying DJ, or caring that it upsets him.  Which… is… intellectually disturbing because I remember that that is an inappropriate way to respond to people you care about.  But… I can’t care on an emotional level.  Because I don’t have feelings.

I’m tired.  So I’m just going to leave this… This is a pretty great description of what anhedonia feels like for me.  I haven’t had my corn moment, though…  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

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