Moments with Sir
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Gratitude – Moments with Sir
Sir sometimes gives me an assignment before putting me into a corner, something to think about, which requires an answer when I’m released. Often it is something like, “What success did you have today?” or “What are you grateful for?” and I have to have a satisfactory (to Sir) response when the timer goes off or the entire process starts over (hell no!) The other night after maintenance AND punishment for being late to bed, Sir sent me with a gratitude assignment. When he released me the first thing that came out of my mouth (which I had thought of but hadn’t intended to SAY, thanks so much ADHD) was,…
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Deal – Moments with Sir
“In the bedroom at 9:45.” “But…” I make a hollow noise with my throat and glare at the ceiling in frustration. Sir walks away. The clock reads 9:32. I sit silently for a moment, contemplating defiance as if my pain is currency. 50 extra swats would buy me half an hour… It’s vice versa but, I don’t think of it that way. I’m already on maintenance so that will be happening regardless. I took an extra 100 last night for my hour of indulgence. That was rough, but I made it. Of course it cost me my computer, too. As I sit on the couch in the living room, disinterested…
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Separation – Moments with Sir
Sir settles onto the couch beside me. He doesn’t look at me right away, but he puts his hand on my leg, a warm pressure. He doesn’t look at the TV, either. His mind seems focused on other things. I can’t name a specific reason I think this, but I am sure of it as he settles beside me, and lays his hand on my leg. The Walking Dead is on the TV. Screams, gunshots, and rasping groans fight to win my attention, but they were already weak contenders, and Sir’s presence easily overpowers them. I wait a breath, feeling my belly tighten. My doctor just talked to me yesterday…
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Disconnect – Moments with Sir (sort of)
It’s Tuesday. Monday is somatic therapy night. Last week it was 6.5 hours of rolling flashbacks night. This week I came home armored with Ativan and Zyprexa prescriptions. My doctor is pulling out the big guns. My Fitbit recorded a flashback a few weeks ago. I was taking my PTSD meds at the time. My heartrate still managed to go from 64 to 220 in minutes. With alpha-1-adenergic antagonist in my system. So, basically, a drug was actively suppressing my body’s ability to chemically create a fear response and I still managed to jack my heartrate over 300%. Go me! So, I went to somatic therapy yesterday. I had a…
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Against the Walls – Moments with Sir
Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…
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Moments with Sir – Pushing Through
“I can’t write…” “Okay.” “I need to!” “Then do it.” “I can’t!” I can see the muscles twitch in Sir’s jaw. “Write, or don’t write, those are the choices.” “Everything is choices that both kill me! Fuck you!” I almost don’t care at the flicker of anger on his face, except I do, somewhere deep. The ice storm of anxiety already raging in my belly ramps itself higher. It’s getting hard to breathe. I turn my back to him to hide the tears rising in my eyes. To hide the panic that is threatening to consume me. Rationality is cool water, seeping between my fingers, more quickly the tighter I…
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Need (Moments with Sir)
“Girl, come here, I need you.” I wipe my hands on the towel hanging from the over door and walk into the living room. Â Sir is on the couch, the light from the TV flickers over his face, making his eyes glitter. “Yeah?” Â My hands are still damp and I wipe them on my jeans. Â Sir isn’t looking at the TV. Â I follow his gaze with my eyes, but see only the empty corner and the piano. “I need you…” “Yes, Sir,” I say, feeling my brow tighten in confusion. Â I am afraid that I’m missing some important signal, that I’m failing to meet an expectation. Â But I don’t know…
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Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling
The light glints off the black case of my phone. Â I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments… Â The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk. Â The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared. Â I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors. Â Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…
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Rain – Moments with Sir
This story references this post: Shroedinger’s Rain. I could hear him approach me, and I flinched. “I don’t want to be touched! Please…” Sir stopped, one hand already outstretched to comfort. That hand hung for a moment in the air between us, then curled into a fist and I heard him sigh. “Okay.” A spasm of agony wrenched my chest and I turned away from him, gripping the edges of the counter and focusing my gaze on the branches outside the kitchen window. I could hear the confusion in his voice, the threads of hurt and concern. I heard his footsteps retreat but then they stopped and I heard soft…
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Black Holes and Porridge – Moments with Sir
As the time for my departure on an international trip approaches, my anxiety has risen to new heights of awesomeness. Â Combined with ruminating depression, I spent most of yesterday, and all night, obsessively thinking about the most horrific things that might happen while I’m away and was completely unable to stop thinking about them. Sub Brother has been struggling a little bit as well, though not at the level I am. Â But it’s enough that he’s becoming indecisive. Â He becomes anxious about making a choice and it causes him to freeze a little bit sometimes, even if the decision isn’t important. Sir frequently amazes me and… at the same time……