• Against the Walls – Moments with Sir

    Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…

  • Moments with Sir – Pushing Through

    “I can’t write…” “Okay.” “I need to!” “Then do it.” “I can’t!” I can see the muscles twitch in Sir’s jaw.  “Write, or don’t write, those are the choices.” “Everything is choices that both kill me!  Fuck you!” I almost don’t care at the flicker of anger on his face, except I do, somewhere deep.  The ice storm of anxiety already raging in my belly ramps itself higher. It’s getting hard to breathe.  I turn my back to him to hide the tears rising in my eyes.  To hide the panic that is threatening to consume me.  Rationality is cool water, seeping between my fingers, more quickly the tighter I…

  • Need (Moments with Sir)

    “Girl, come here, I need you.” I wipe my hands on the towel hanging from the over door and walk into the living room.  Sir is on the couch, the light from the TV flickers over his face, making his eyes glitter. “Yeah?”  My hands are still damp and I wipe them on my jeans.  Sir isn’t looking at the TV.  I follow his gaze with my eyes, but see only the empty corner and the piano. “I need you…” “Yes, Sir,” I say, feeling my brow tighten in confusion.  I am afraid that I’m missing some important signal, that I’m failing to meet an expectation.  But I don’t know…

  • Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling

    The light glints off the black case of my phone.  I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments…  The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk.  The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared.  I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors.  Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…

  • Rain – Moments with Sir

    This story references this post: Shroedinger’s Rain. I could hear him approach me, and I flinched.  “I don’t want to be touched!  Please…” Sir stopped, one hand already outstretched to comfort.  That hand hung for a moment in the air between us, then curled into a fist and I heard him sigh.  “Okay.” A spasm of agony wrenched my chest and I turned away from him, gripping the edges of the counter and focusing my gaze on the branches outside the kitchen window.  I could hear the confusion in his voice, the threads of hurt and concern.  I heard his footsteps retreat but then they stopped and I heard soft…

  • Black Holes and Porridge – Moments with Sir

    As the time for my departure on an international trip approaches, my anxiety has risen to new heights of awesomeness.  Combined with ruminating depression, I spent most of yesterday, and all night, obsessively thinking about the most horrific things that might happen while I’m away and was completely unable to stop thinking about them. Sub Brother has been struggling a little bit as well, though not at the level I am.  But it’s enough that he’s becoming indecisive.  He becomes anxious about making a choice and it causes him to freeze a little bit sometimes, even if the decision isn’t important. Sir frequently amazes me and… at the same time……

  • Moments with Sir – Can’t?

    Sir recently discovered that my new blog theme has emoji buttons at the bottom of posts and decided to go through all of my posts and “like” them with the emoji buttons. I found this both silly and mortifying and, without thinking said, “No, you can’t…”  I caught myself and stopped, but… not soon enough. Sir looked at me.  He wasn’t angry, I could see the faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes, but he raised his eyebrow and turned in the office chair to face me fully. “I what?” “Nothing…” “I can’t?”

  • Manic – Part 2 – Moments with Sir

    For someone’s birthday… since she wants to know… and because I keep fading to black… Sigh.  Happy birthday! This is the second half of Manic. *** The fog of dreams gives way to a replay of last night across the back of my eyelids.  I groan and throw my arm across my eyes.  It does nothing to stop the flood of memory and I pull my pillow over my face. Sir tugs it away and I cover my face with my hands. “What?” I can feel him shift in the bed beside me but I don’t move my hands. “Me!” He shifts again and I feel his fingers close around…

  • Manic – Moments with Sir

    I slip out of the bed carefully, hoping not to wake Sir or Devin.  In the dark I can’t see either of their faces, but I hear no change in breathing, no rustle of movement.  I pad, barefoot, across the room.  The fan above creaks, sending a steady current of cold air across my bare skin. The door opens silently and I close it again behind me. I grip both rails of the staircase, nervous in the blackness of missing a step and breaking my neck, still mindful of how I place each foot lest the house creak and the subtle shift of energy somehow, metaphysically, stir Sir from sleep.…

  • Moments with Sir…and Sub Brother

    It’s been pointed out to me by someone recently that I rarely talk about sub brother, while I talk about Sir a lot.  And I’ve been thinking about my response to that, and thought about making in a blog post.  So during dinner I brought it up to sub brother and asked him if he would feel uncomfortable if I wrote about him on my blog. He gives me a wide-eyed look and asks, “Me?  Why do you want to write about me?” “Because, you’re important to me, you’re my partner and my friend and… I write about Sir all the time, but I hardly say anything about you.” “Well,…