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Not Writing
I’m struggling. Â Meds are all messed up and my doctor had to change an entire schedule of treatment because things aren’t going the way they’re supposed to go. Â Which is depressing in and of itself, but the meds not working also CAUSES depression and instability, so… extra awesome.
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Q&A – Writing
Thanks for all the questions y’all keep sending.  It’s awesome, and I am collecting them, I promise, I am trying to find categories to fit them into so I can hit several at one post. Do you still put your old stories (M/M, F/M) online?  Where or why not? Yeah, this is an interesting question.  My M/M stories are online on this website (not the blog part, the main part) at http://www.sanctumia.com. For some reason half the time it auto-bumps you out to a new page (discipline partnerships webring) and I’m too lazy to go in and unlink from the webring right now, so it it bumps you off the…
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Getting it back
I’ve been having a really hard time getting back into my writing routine since coming home from Europe. Â I’m sure at least part of that is getting back into work and that takes a lot of time and energy and writing starts getting back-burnered. Â Part of it is probably just mental exhaustion of my job. Â I put a lot of creativity and simply mental energy into my work and maybe it’s a finite resource… But part of it, I think, is I got out of the routine and it took a shit ton of work to get myself into the routine. Â It took a lot of brute force for get…
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Reflection
I spent a very long time writing that piece last night and I need to get to bed earlier tonight, so just a reflection on that experience right now… Â It was nerve-wracking! Â I rewrote the opening paragraph seven times… I was very anxious and panicky trying to write it. Â But once I got into it, it started to flow and I found myself really enjoying it. Â Just the initial panic attacks and fatalism were quite unpleasant. The thing I found the most difficult, though, was shutting up my perfectionism. Â I kept telling myself, “Shitty first draft” (and this may help clarify why that is a useful term rather than judgmental…
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Impostor Syndrome
I have two people in my family who are professional artists (painters). Â One of them is… very average (she makes paintings that I could recreate, and I am absolutely not competent in visual arts). Â One of them is extremely talented (she makes paintings I couldn’t even begin to understand the skills behind and feel I am only skimming the surface with my big, clumsy, non-artist brain trying to begin to identify the technique involved in what she creates), and considers herself a skilled, successful, professional artist. The first person (average) is prolific (makes multiple paintings a day) and “successful” (sells her paintings regularly, has a large community of fans of…
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Recursive First Drafts
I know S doesn’t like the “Shitty First Drafts” idea, so this is for you, S.  🙂  I recently read an article by an author who is absolutely not on board with the whole “Shitty First Drafts” idea that is so common among authors.  It was first attributed to Hemingway who said, “The first draft of anything is shit.”  Then it was expanded by Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird where she said that the first draft is like letting a child play, it is unconstrained, just ideas flowing onto the page. Now, this other author says that this is all fine and good and that most authors agree with this particular…
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Output
I’m having a less than easy night. Â It’s not terrible – certainly not by the bar set by multiple nights this summer – but not… great. I think it’s depression, or at least the leading edge of a depression front. Sir thinks that possibly my feeling is akin to burnout (and potentially that’s enough to tip my bipolar back towards depression) because I’ve been… outputting intensely for several days and likely not getting enough inputting.
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Out of Fucks
I’m tired. Â Really really really tired. I had planned a part 2 for my Manic post from yesterday… but… Â I have run out of fucks to give, so it’s not happening. I’m also so out of fucks that I am sitting in front of this blog just pissed off and don’t know why I committed to writing. Â Why I even want to write. Â Or what the purpose is for me of doing any of this. Nobody cares.
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Empty – SFD
“I tried to think about photography today, I looked for things on our walk.” Devin looks at me. Â “That’s good.” He drags out the second word, questioning, waiting for the rest. “I couldn’t. Â Nothing was… good.” He twists his mouth slightly in sympathy. Â And Sir, standing slightly behind me, brushes my hair back behind my ear.
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Not Good Enough
The voice in my head whispers so softly I don’t know I hear it, I’m not good enough. I push myself to think of something to write about, I’m not good enough. It’s been so long that I can’t begin anymore, before.., I’m not good enough. It’s beginning to feel like there is nothing left inside me, Except… I’m not good enough.
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