• Memories

      This month is the five year anniversary of T’s death.  He attempted this week, five years ago.  He died five years ago at the end of the month.  Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been five years already.  Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been only five years. I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed. I’ve been crying a lot. Sir has been crying.

  • Bad News

    I got some bad news yesterday.  And some bad possibility that won’t be answered for a few more days.  And… I just… I just can’t. I didn’t post last night. I should do a back post tonight to make up for it. But I can’t.

  • Humanity

    There was another shooting today. It’s just this thing we do here in the United States. You might expect this in, you know, a developing nation, a nation torn by warfare and civil strife, or… the United States. Currently the little news I’ve been given access to (Sir declared no screen time for the majority of the day) is celebrating how both sides of the aisle (Democrats and Republicans) and even the current president have been calling for unity, remembering our shared humanity, etc.

  • The Broken Ones

    I had a good day! I know, right?  About damn time! So, first I had brunch in Boulder with my mom and my brother.  Nobody said anything stupid and pissed-off making.  And then we even went and shopped in Peppercorn (which is a stupid expensive awesome quirky housewares shop).  I love Peppercorn! Then I came home and had dinner with the boys and K and J and their family.  Then K and J came over here and we all hung out for the evening. Then S texted me on Facebook and we chatted, which was so unexpected and lovely. And now I’m actually feeling all smiley for the first time…

  • Living and Dying

    It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted.  I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years.  There were all these, “This is hopeful!  Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches.  But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.

  • Moments with Sir – Ownership

    This is something I wrote for the list I run… I don’t think I ever published it here.  I think I intended to, but just never felt motivated enough to “clean it up” and make it more neat and tidy for this posting. Then I was talking with my friend S, and telling her about it and I realized I never had shared it here (and thus she hadn’t read it, obviously) and that… it actually illuminates a complicated to explain aspect of my relationship with Sir.  I don’t know if this will uncomplicate it, but it will, hopefully, demonstrate it… Or not…  Meh.  I’m not going to bother cleaning…

  • Feeling Things

    Hard week.  I keep trying to smile through it, but…  According to the therapist… and the Sir… and probably Dr. Phil (I don’t actually pay attention to things he says… but he probably says this…) simply refusing to feel bad feelings doesn’t actually make the bad feelings go away.

  • Sunday Night Thoughts

    This is such a crap blog (I just typoed that as “carp”).  I always think about how crappy it is… my posts aren’t thematic or pointed or even on topic beyond “Sunday Night Thoughts.”  Wow, Shadow, stunning work, really.  I have no idea why people even come here anymore.

  • WTF, Universe???

    So for all my good words of what, 4 hours ago… the universe decided to reward me with a few more kicks in the ribs… cause, you know, clearly there weren’t enough broken, yet.