Memories

This month is the five year anniversary of T’s death.  He attempted this week, five years ago.  He died five years ago at the end of the month.  Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been five years already.  Sometimes I can’t believe it’s been only five years.

I spent most of this weekend deeply depressed.

I’ve been crying a lot.

Sir has been crying.

For the first time, since he died, I have reread two pieces I wrote… years ago, before he died, about him. They are just two memories that I put into words and I have wished so many times since that I’d written more when he was alive.  But since he died I haven’t looked at them.  I haven’t been able to take the pain of… reliving those times when he was so alive.

I put them up here when he first attempted.  I needed… to see him healthy, to believe it for him, to remember it for him.  I thought, somehow, I could will him back.

The last three weeks of his life he never regained consciousness.

And then he died.

And I didn’t look at my writing about him again, because, I just… couldn’t.

This year, I did.

And I’ve been reading and rereading it… it’s like, in a way, going back in time, reliving those moments with him.  As I read my own words, I remember it as it happened, I remember the lighting, I remember the sounds, the smells, the textures…  I can almost be there again, with him, inside the walls of that captured moment.

And it hurts so much.

But I can’t stop.

I’m sure this is probably progress, but it feels like masochism.

I should have written more, but I didn’t.

I’m afraid that every year those memories lose their edges, their textures, their clarity.

I’m afraid that what I didn’t capture is already fading.

But I can’t write it down.

Sir can’t read them, yet.

Sub Brother asked if he could.

He’s known about them for a long time, but he hasn’t asked to read them because he wanted to respect Sir’s and my grieving.

I told him I was rereading them and he asked if it would hurt me or Sir for him to read them.

He would like to know T.

I should have written more…  He was infinitely worth knowing.

I love you, T.  Forever.

http://www.sanctumia.com/blog/2012/08/03/accepting-service/

http://www.sanctumia.com/blog/2012/08/07/penance/

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