• Loneliness

    I feel like… since I’ve been doing this “write every day, what a brilliant idea!” thing… I’ve felt, overall, a lot more… emotional upheaval, directly related to posting here.  I have emotional upheaval all the time for other reasons, obviously, but there’s a particular flavor that is… this… daily writing. And it isn’t the DOING the writing (it was at first).  It’s something else.  And I’ve circled around it and poked at it, trying to figure out what it is, and I’m not sure I’m there yet, but I may have my fingers on an edge of it. I think… it feels as if… writing here makes me feel… lonely.

  • Visitors

    After I post, I usually go and check my blog to make sure the post looks the way I want (and because I’m such a good writer, I revise AFTER I publish…)  And I sometimes notice my revolver map (lower right hand side) and see other people blinking on the map.  Tonight there are two others, and it always gives me a little smile and I send a mental wave. I have a program that shows me my visitors (don’t worry, it doesn’t know who you are, just where your server logs in from in the world) and sometimes I am struck by… how many different places people come from…

  • A Shadow Life

    So…  I talk about it often but never do it.  I probably should try NOT talking about it and ACTUALLY doing it… but… baby steps. I’m going to try to write more.  Like…  Every day.  For a year.  I don’t know why I decided to do this.  It did lead to an interesting conversation with Sir and sub brother.  They pointed out that a year seemed really ambitious and why didn’t I try writing every day for a week first… then I could extend my goals.  But I felt that a whole week seemed way too overwhelming to commit to!

  • Perspectives

    I had a rough day yesterday.  I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body.  Last night I was punished for those choices.  This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished.  Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship.  And isn’t that just sad?

  • For those keeping track…

    Sorry to everybody I owe emails to, and comments I haven’t responded to. I had a better day today.  Really doing quite a lot better.  Then literally…six minutes ago…everything crashed.

  • Grief – Anaphora

    Grief Grief Grief is shards of ice flaying my skin. Grief is a cold anchor tearing at my heart. Grief is a heavy shadow, curling round my spine. Grief is a keening shriek scraping on my ribs.

  • Links and Sorrow

    I’m struggling.  Some days I think I have hope, I feel the light, I know things will hurt and I also know I will survive and I will live and eventually I will thrive again. Then I have days… like today… when I can’t seem to stop crying.  I hurt.  Everywhere.  I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.  I sit down to write and I cry because I hurt and I don’t want to write and fail and be imperfect because that’s all I can ever do.  So I sit and I cry on my journal and watch the ink run.