Visitors
After I post, I usually go and check my blog to make sure the post looks the way I want (and because I’m such a good writer, I revise AFTER I publish…) Â And I sometimes notice my revolver map (lower right hand side) and see other people blinking on the map. Â Tonight there are two others, and it always gives me a little smile and I send a mental wave.
I have a program that shows me my visitors (don’t worry, it doesn’t know who you are, just where your server logs in from in the world) and sometimes I am struck by… how many different places people come from to read my blog which I consider so inconsequential that I can’t imagine anyone WANTING to read it… let alone logging in from halfway around the world (because, you know, distance has so much relevance in logging into a website!)
And sometimes I wonder about who you are… you silent visitors. Â I wonder about where you live and what your lives are like… what you think of this nonsense drivel I post…
Sometimes I imagine that maybe you are just followers of my stories waiting anxiously with every blog post for me to announce I’ve finished Black Fire and it is coming out in book format… tomorrow…
Sometimes I wonder if you are in relationships like mine and read this because it resonates with you.
Sometimes I wonder if you wish you were in these types of relationships, and read here to… fly on the wall… something that ISN’T Fifty fucking Shades of stupidity…
Some of you are from my area…
And that is always the most interesting (and nerve-wracking) for me.
For a while I had a regular visitor from my home town and had a completely irrational panic attack that my mother had stumbled on my blog.
But mostly I just wonder at the fact that there are people who are… if not totally like me… are at least enough like me to want to read a blog about the kind of relationship I have… and I feel like that should be comforting, and I guess it is, somewhat. Â But it is also incredibly lonely.
To think that somewhere, within 20 miles, there are people who read this… repeatedly… but I don’t know, will never know, who they are. Â I could… walk past them in a store, pass them on the street, and we’d never know it…
I wonder if they are lonely, too, if these are their secrets as they are mine, or if they have a community, and friends, and family, with whom they share all that they are…
I can’t decide which would make me feel better…
I wish love and peace to all sentient beings, of course…
But a selfish part of me also, somehow, wants to be less alone in my loneliness… Â :
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4 Comments
Sully Holt
I can’t ever remember when I first started to follow your blog, I don’t even know why anymore. Maybe because I was looking for something about this kind of relationships, maybe not. Maybe because I found something about Black Fire and end up here, reading your posts. But since then, I found a voice, a personnality, a very endearing character, captivating, special and full of sensitivity, that I just wanted to know better.
And today, I’m one of these followers around the world (I’m the French one !) who reads your blog every day now, and silently supports you throughout every aspect of your life and sometimes in the most difficult situations.
I’m not in these types of relationships but I think I understand most of the part, and I’ve got a lot of respect for that. And even if don’t get everything, it doesn’t prevent me to feel sorry for you when you suffer like you did recently.
Sometimes you make me cry and I just want to cross the sea to hug you, like I would do with my child.
Sometimes, you make me angry and I feel like shouting to you, to make you understand that you have to keep going, to hold on, because things are going to get better and better.
Sometimes you make me laugh so hard !
But in any case, you are part of my life, now. Alors voilà ! I just wanted you to know that I’ll keep reading your blog, supporting you with all my heart.
S.
Shadow
Hello Sully,
I never expected to actually HEAR from my silent followers! This was not only an incredibly nice surprise, but your message is so touching and meaningful. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, I have reread it several times and it puts so much meaning to those little blips on a map and so much humanity and connection to what can often feel… very… empty (blogging here). It sometimes feels as if I simply throw words into space and it is easy to forget that real people read them, feel from them, and in a way, know me through them.
Thank you, deeply, for letting me know who you are.
Shadow
Dizzy
I look check in here every night before I go to bed. It’s kind of like saying goodnight to a friend, even if I don’t post a comment. And even if I’ve never met you. It’s reassuring to know that there is someone kind of like me out there. No expectations, just a little goodnight to you.
Peace to you 🙂
Dizzy
Shadow
Hi Dizzy! You’re one of the ones I know who reads here, yet I have no idea where you live, so I never know which of the little flags is you. But it’s so sweet that you still follow my drivel, even after all this time and through all my dramas… Hugs, my dear friend!
Shadow