• Impulse Control

    In this part of North America (USA and Canada) we have a holiday for labor.  Yeah… a day off… from labor… for Labor Day. Whatever.  I got chores done, lesson plans done, went to a barbecue, came home and have pork chili verde in the Instant Pot.  Yeah, baby!  We had a nice time with K and J.  It was stupid hot, but… you know… that’s how we roll here. The instant pot makes little noises and totally freaks me out because I’m always sure it’s going to explode.  And neither of the guys can hear the little sounds, so I’m running up and down the stairs to check on…

  • Manic – Moments with Sir

    I slip out of the bed carefully, hoping not to wake Sir or Devin.  In the dark I can’t see either of their faces, but I hear no change in breathing, no rustle of movement.  I pad, barefoot, across the room.  The fan above creaks, sending a steady current of cold air across my bare skin. The door opens silently and I close it again behind me. I grip both rails of the staircase, nervous in the blackness of missing a step and breaking my neck, still mindful of how I place each foot lest the house creak and the subtle shift of energy somehow, metaphysically, stir Sir from sleep.…

  • Froggy-ness

    I sometimes worry about the amount of energy Sir has to spend on me.  Last night I had a panic attack… at 10 at night, when we were all trying to sleep. It’s probably because my asthma was terrible all day and I was pumped full of steroids and I had a lot of work to do today and… perfect storm for not sleeping. But really… he took me from bed and took me downstairs and pulled the futon onto the floor and laid us both on it and then he just did deep pressure on my body for literally two hours until I could almost, mostly sleep… then woke…

  • Recovery

    So…  I went on a little technology diet.  And took sleeping pills.  Appropriately, not like suicidally – it’s okay, I know I have to clarify things like this.  Part of being a bipolar brain.

  • Midsummer Night’s Mania

    It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain.  But summer is still hard.  There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer.  I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August.  But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time.  And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule.  So…  I struggle. I’ve been…