Impulse Control

In this part of North America (USA and Canada) we have a holiday for labor. Yeah… a day off… from labor… for Labor Day.

Whatever. I got chores done, lesson plans done, went to a barbecue, came home and have pork chili verde in the Instant Pot. Yeah, baby! We had a nice time with K and J. It was stupid hot, but… you know… that’s how we roll here.

The instant pot makes little noises and totally freaks me out because I’m always sure it’s going to explode. And neither of the guys can hear the little sounds, so I’m running up and down the stairs to check on it (very carefully) every five minutes. But it smells good!

I’m running a little manic. I have been for several days and I think it’s getting worse now. I cursed at work on Friday, not because I was angry, just because my impulse control was bad…

I posted the questions thread last night and, though it doesn’t give me any information, just comments, I’m pretty sure Sir put like fourteen questions in there! ARGH! But, he gave me one today when we were talking at the barbecue because I said that I get punished all the time and Sub Brother gets punished rarely. Sir asked me why I think that is, and my first response, of course, was, “Because I’m bad.”

Sigh. Sir doesn’t agree with that answer. He said it’s both incorrect and shallow thinking. I had the rest of the afternoon to think of a better answer and I’m supposed to post it tonight, so… here we go… Ironic that I’m manic right now…

I think the difference, besides… our basic personalities, is… I regularly have impaired pre-frontal cortex function. I have bipolar, it causes impaired function in the pre-frontal cortex which is responsible for impulse control and consequence reasoning (being able to not only understand but act on the understanding that if I do X, Y will happen.) Which is why I cursed at work (it was a training day, no kids… I manage not to curse in front of kids…) I just, literally, didn’t think about it before I did it. Impulse control and poor consequence planning.

It’s probably why I struggle with a lot of the smaller things I get punished for, and some of the bigger ones. I noticed today when I was playing a game on my phone. Sir had told me I could, if I stopped after one game. He (I think he knows I’m struggling right now) reminded me when I was down to the last few moves of the game so I wouldn’t forget and just hit “Play Again” as soon as I was done. So when the game ended, I did remember I wasn’t supposed to play again… but… I literally felt like I was in an alien invasion movie and something else had control of my hand. I had this moment of knowing I couldn’t hit the button, but my hand went there anyway… And I said, simultaneously, “Just one more, please?” As I had already hit the button.

Sir said, no, and took the phone out of my hands and it was… physically painful to have it taken away. I’m pretty addicted to my phone, but it’s not usually THAT painful to give it up. But today it was like I was in physical pain, I needed to finish the game and I almost reached for it from Sir’s hand (which would have been a HORRIBLE idea) but I only barely stopped my mutant arm from doing that by sitting on my hands, and then going into the kitchen and cleaning the counters to keep myself occupied.

Right now I’m typing so fast my arms are starting to ache… all the little muscles in my forearms. I can actually type accurately at a higher speed when I’m manic, which is fun… I can type with the same accuracy I normal have at 75 words per minute, but when I’m manic I get up to 90+ words per minute.

So now my arms are starting to hurt.

I feel speedy, too.

And I have impulses to do things I shouldn’t do… like… talk to strangers. Drive too fast. I was really irritable earlier because I was in Whole Foods and holy fuckballs, Whole Foods is a terrible place to be on Labor Day. But Sub Brother had to seriously steer me into a corner a couple of times because I was about to yell at someone for being stupid. And I don’t do that. Yay lack of impulse control and irritability.

Now I’m not irritable anymore, I’m just speedy.

Manic has a lot of flavors.

I need to not be irritable tomorrow because I have students again. And they’ve had a four day weekend, so… shit will be real.

I have to write emails.