• Against the Walls – Moments with Sir

    Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…

  • Shut Up, Brain!

    Sir smacked my butt tonight because I said something stupid in the kitchen (stupid along the lines of – “Oh, maybe it’s okay to eat these almonds that are coated with eggs, ’cause, maybe I’m not allergic to eggs anymore…  I’ll just try a couple or five handfuls and see…”) Because I’ve been losing weight again, my jeans are getting baggy (and I JUST bought them a month ago!  Fuck!) and they’re pretty thick so the swat didn’t have the effect I’m sure he intended. And because I’m doing just awesome with my bipolar right now and have no filter on my brain, I totally started to say, “That didn’t…

  • Q & A Punishment

    What emotions do you feel during a punishment? Wow, this is already hard, and it’s just the first question.  Emotions can be different in different situations and at different stages of the punishment, but almost always sadness, anxiety, sometimes fear or panic at a certain stage.  After being punished, a little while after I often feel peaceful, relaxed, relieved. Does punishment work? For what?  It kind of depends on the purpose one is assigning to a punishment.  For me, the purpose of punishment is to help me let go of my own rumination on mistakes I’ve made, and it helps me to feel confident in my place in my relationship,…

  • Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling

    The light glints off the black case of my phone.  I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments…  The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk.  The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared.  I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors.  Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…

  • Weary

    Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night.  He’s going to get beaten.  It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me.  Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too.  And with my therapist today.  And with Sir tonight.  Here’s what I’m clear about…  I don’t want Sir to not go through with it.  I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.

  • Moments with Sir – Can’t?

    Sir recently discovered that my new blog theme has emoji buttons at the bottom of posts and decided to go through all of my posts and “like” them with the emoji buttons. I found this both silly and mortifying and, without thinking said, “No, you can’t…”  I caught myself and stopped, but… not soon enough. Sir looked at me.  He wasn’t angry, I could see the faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes, but he raised his eyebrow and turned in the office chair to face me fully. “I what?” “Nothing…” “I can’t?”

  • Manic – Part 2 – Moments with Sir

    For someone’s birthday… since she wants to know… and because I keep fading to black… Sigh.  Happy birthday! This is the second half of Manic. *** The fog of dreams gives way to a replay of last night across the back of my eyelids.  I groan and throw my arm across my eyes.  It does nothing to stop the flood of memory and I pull my pillow over my face. Sir tugs it away and I cover my face with my hands. “What?” I can feel him shift in the bed beside me but I don’t move my hands. “Me!” He shifts again and I feel his fingers close around…

  • Mistakes – SFD #4

    “What were you going to say?”  His voice is gentle, one hip is cocked against the counter top, his arms are folded loosely over his chest, all outwardly relaxed, casual.  She feels her breath catch in her chest and her eyes widen. “I’m sorry.” He tilts his head slightly.  “Oh?  Are you apologizing or was the end of that sentence really going to be ‘because I’m too…I’m sorry’?” She feels her skin wash with a flush of heat, followed by a chill.  Her heart is thumping wildly, high in her chest.  Her tongue flickers over her lips, and her eyes skitter over his chest, unable to find a safe place…

  • Top Drop

    So… for some of my readers this is going to be S/M 101, sorry…  Most of the readers I know of aren’t super hardcore into the kink scene so I need to make sure I explain terms (if this bores you, of course, do move on…) So, when people “play” heavily, so… that could be physical or psychological/emotional heavy, or, often, both, there is a lot of chemical action in the body and the brain… there is adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of crazy chemistry mixing up and once the scene is over, either shortly after or even starting a day or two after, the bottom (the one on…

  • Perspectives

    I had a rough day yesterday.  I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body.  Last night I was punished for those choices.  This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished.  Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship.  And isn’t that just sad?