Weary

Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night. He’s going to get beaten. It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me. Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now.

I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too. And with my therapist today. And with Sir tonight. Here’s what I’m clear about… I don’t want Sir to not go through with it. I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.

So… my problem with it… is… in spite of all the rational reasons I can give for why it’s fine and I should be okay with it, my irrational reason is… I don’t want him to be hurt.

I know, that’s the point… I know… that… this is catharsis for him and he needs this for… a lot of reasons. I know that the pain is the only way he can break certain walls and process things that… I can’t even know about. I trust K, and I know that he… he is in control, he is skilled, he is… he will keep Sir safe… I trust him. And I trust Sir.

But I don’t want him hurt.

I want to protect him and keep him safe and not let anything happen to him… and I know that’s… not rational. That’s not… that’s not even… keeping him from this wouldn’t be keeping him safe, it would make him feel worse, and he’d suffer more. I know that. But…

I feel fragile.

I know the Buddhist view on pain. I just can’t… right now. And I can’t handle this… and I feel like Friday is the apocalypse looming.

I’m sorry.

🙁