Top Drop

So… for some of my readers this is going to be S/M 101, sorry…  Most of the readers I know of aren’t super hardcore into the kink scene so I need to make sure I explain terms (if this bores you, of course, do move on…)

So, when people “play” heavily, so… that could be physical or psychological/emotional heavy, or, often, both, there is a lot of chemical action in the body and the brain… there is adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of crazy chemistry mixing up and once the scene is over, either shortly after or even starting a day or two after, the bottom (the one on the receiving end) often experiences something called “sub drop.”  Which is silly because not everyone who bottoms in a scene is a submissive… but… anyway, that’s what they call it.  It’s basically just the letdown from a really intense chemical/emotional/physical experience.

A lot of people (mostly beginners, some just long-term ignorant) believe that this only applies to the bottom… that the bottom was the one experiencing the most intense physical and psychological demands and thus has the drop.  The top (the person DOING the things to the bottom) is usually dismissed in this scenario.  That somehow they are unaffected by their participation because they weren’t subjected to the psychological or physical impact.

But this is silliness.

So, most well educated BDSM people also acknowledge what is called “top drop” (apparently we all know that not all tops are dominants, but haven’t figured out that not all bottoms are submissives… but whatever!  I’ll just take me and my logophile tendencies off over here, shall I?)

Top drop can operate on a slightly different mechanism than sub drop, but still be a potent experience despite being less commonly understood.

And this little language lesson now out of the way, I can post about my real reason for posting… Sir and I did a scene last night.  (Some people imagine “scene” as very dramatic, role-playing, acting, etc.  But for me it simply means that we engaged in a BDSM activity for a period of time that was not punishment or catharsis, it was simply a… simply us doing our thing in a physical, planned (by Sir) way…)

As I posted last night, I had a hard time adjusting to the end of the year.  I had been (and continued into break) very much in a mental place… spinning in my mind to the point that I almost felt detached from my physical self…  and I couldn’t shut it off.  I couldn’t shut off my thinking and settle into my physical self.  At all…

So Sir… helped.  He said partly to bring me back into my body, partly to help me ground in my transition, and partly to reaffirm our relationship because it’s been a long year and we, like I assume many relationships, kind of get caught up in the day to day life and sometimes it’s important to pause and reconnect with each other and our relationship.  He’ll do the same with sub brother when his school year ends, too.

So last night was my turn.

And it was… intense.  I’m still not totally sure how I feel about it, because I feel like I didn’t… feel it… at the intensity that it actually was.  And maybe I’m still struggling with detachment, or maybe my emotional fragility is becoming less…  Or… this is another fun side-effect of keto… but… I still feel slightly detached from all of it.  Though I did drop slightly, last night… today I’ve been really fine.  I might very well drop in the next day or two because often I’ll ride the chemical high for a couple days before I crash… so… I can look forward to that.

But more interestingly, Sir dropped and he usually doesn’t when he scenes with me.  He can have deeply emotional responses to scening (fuck you Google, it’s totally a word!) with me, but not usually of the type that he had last night.

So… somehow I feel uncomfortable being explicit… maybe I’ll work up to writing it explicitly later, but… for now… um… at the end of it I had marks… on multiple parts of my body (as in, not just my ass!), I was slightly shaky (running high on chemicals), and I had an immediate crash once I put my clothes on and got into bed…

Sir chose to be physically more intense than he usually is… by a large margin.  Though not more than we’ve ever done together.  He physically hurt me in a number of ways beyond spanking… and the spanking was hard and long and involved… more than several implements, including ending with twenty swats with the rubber strap which I am usually terrified of and balk if he even hints at taking it out of the bag…  (I normally only get 2 – 4 swats with it IF he ever uses it, which is almost never…)  There were also 2 wooden spoons, 2 hairbrushes, and 2 paddles used (trying to remember, they were all laid out in front of my face and yet I have a hard time remembering all of them!  LOL).  It was rather like Noah’s Ark of spanking…

Sir has tried to convince me that leather is a lot less scary than wood implements… but I have an irrational fear of leather for some reason and will choose a paddle over a belt every time…  Because… I’m crazy!

He also pushed sexual boundaries farther than he usually does… by a large margin…   And, although he didn’t do anything we haven’t explored before, he did push in areas which we had only explored in… gentle and talking through it before and during ways, and last night he did those things in ways that were… not… gentle and talking through it.  He wasn’t cruel (sexually) but he wasn’t… outwardly… concerned about my consent (which he has already) or my willingness, he just did what he wanted to do.  And that was new for those areas which have been very delicate in the past and which we’d been exploring very slowly.  So… it could have gone very badly to push those areas now.  It’s not that we haven’t explored it, and I had been making progress, so he took the risk…  And I think, if I’d reacted negatively at the time, he’d have changed things extremely quickly.  But… as it was, from my side of things, it was… intense, it was… uncomfortable (emotionally) to a small degree, but mostly it felt like… it felt like dominance and submission.  I didn’t feel abused, traumatized, or violated…  I felt very heavily dominated… but that is slightly different.

When I went to the bathroom after it was over and looked in the mirror (I was still naked) I had marks on my nipples, breasts, thighs, and arms, and visible bruising (already) on my ass.  And I… felt… thoroughly used…not in a… bad sense… but in that weird D/s sense that can actually feel strangely, dichotomously (I’m MAKING it a word, Google!) both proud and humbling.

I came back into the bedroom and Sir, I could tell, was starting to struggle, but he dressed me (panties and t-shirt) after examining all of the marks and the rest of my body closely, and put me into our bed.  Sub brother was already on his side, and Sir usually sleeps in the middle, but last night he put me in the middle and got in behind me.

He slid over so he was leaning against the wall and I was lying mostly against his chest, kind of curled in the bed.  And sub brother had one hand on my thigh, Sir had his arms around me… and for about five minutes, I felt a sudden, crushing, sense of panic and fear.

Now… I know I have some very protective friends who will be horrified by this, but it’s really not as terrible as it sounds…  It’s a pretty normal symptom for me right after intense play… almost like my body hasn’t had a chance to process the adrenaline yet so it dumps it all on me at once.

I started shaking, and got close to weepy (though I didn’t cry) and both Sir and sub brother kept talking to me, confirming I was okay…  I realized I wanted the covers over me (to feel more protected) and I didn’t want Sir to let go (also protection), nor sub brother to stop touching me or move away (protection).  I felt… vulnerable.

But after about five minutes (much shorter than usual!) I was feeling mostly calm and coming back to myself and I realized that (I was against Sir’s chest so I probably should have realized sooner) that Sir’s breathing was hitchy.

As I said, he doesn’t usually drop too hard with me… and usually his aftercare (the things we need to bring us down after a hard scene) is just what he had already done, checking me over physically, taking care of me (giving me water, dressing me, putting me in bed, holding me) and then he’s fine.  But last night he dropped harder, and he was actually having a really hard time, his breathing was really rough, and he was really emotional for quite a while…  I hadn’t realized but sub brother’s other hand had been rubbing Sir’s neck while I was curling up with him.

I think Sir was holding onto himself for my sake, because… once I started showing I was doing okay, his reaction got stronger…  He kept kissing my head and was almost crying for several minutes.  I kind of twisted around so I could hug him and I put my face on his chest, and he kept kind of rocking a tiny bit and taking shaky breaths and kissing my head and he got sniffly for a while.

We ended up all sleeping really tangled last night, which we often don’t because… just too hot!  But last night we threw off the heavy blanket and turned on the A/C and slept tangled, and I think that was good for all of us.

This morning, Sir seems mostly himself.  He’s acting the way he always does the day after an intense scene.  He watches me more closely (I catch him when he thinks I don’t know he’s looking at me…)  He checks my body a few times, he showered me this morning, and made me show him my ass and my breasts after lunch so he could “check.”  FYI, my ass is fucking bruised, my breasts are fine… no other marks on my body survived the night.

My pain level isn’t too bad.  I didn’t resist much last night (which is why I’m so weirded out about it) normally when the pain is that intense, I tense up, and squirm and twist around trying to stay in position, so I end up with incredibly sore muscles the next day… always my abs are sore, and usually chest, shoulders, sometimes forearms if I was gripping the covers/edge of something really tightly…  But today… nothing.  And I didn’t find myself struggling to take the pain last night… which is… weird…  I feel like maybe keto did something wonky to my pain tolerance.  Sir says it’s more likely keto did something to my hormone levels which has done something to my pain tolerance… but… whichever… it’s weird.

It did hurt.

I remember that it hurt.

But it didn’t hurt so much I couldn’t take it.

Except maybe the third time he took the nipple clamps off then put them back on again in the opposite direction… fucking bastard…

But nipples are fine today.

Ass is sore, but not terribly.  Mostly it’s itchy.  Which is an obnoxious and not at all sexy so no one ever talks about it after-effect of spanking…  It fucking ITCHES when the capillaries start healing!

And I have that weird “OMG, everybody who looks at me just KNOWS” feeling when I leave the house.  It kind of makes me laugh because… of course nobody knows.  But I can FEEL it every step I take because my panties rub my skin and my skin is… tender… so it’s constantly in the front of my mind, and it feels incredibly… naked… to be feeling that way out in public.

Sir likes it.

He’s already made me go walk the dog three times today, and he says we’re going to Whole Foods in a few minutes to buy dinner.

Sigh.

But for now… so far… I feel much more grounded, much less stuck in my head.  I’ve been able to relax and watch a movie, and haven’t done any school work today!

And… I have had no trauma backlash from either the physical or the sexual activities, which… I think is just a double word score in my book!