Links and Sorrow
I’m struggling. Some days I think I have hope, I feel the light, I know things will hurt and I also know I will survive and I will live and eventually I will thrive again.
Then I have days… like today… when I can’t seem to stop crying. I hurt. Everywhere. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I sit down to write and I cry because I hurt and I don’t want to write and fail and be imperfect because that’s all I can ever do. So I sit and I cry on my journal and watch the ink run.
I sit and I cry at my computer and my T-shirt slowly soaks through and snot starts running into my mouth and I wonder how much more pathetic can I get?
I look at quotes about heartbreak and grief and loss and dying and breaking up… Quotes remind me that these things happen to everyone… They have for as long as we have had the ability to write them down, and they happened even before that. People have hurt and cried, been heartbroken, grieved, died, hurt, hurt, hurt. I’m not alone. I’m not the only one.
But it doesn’t help. Right now, in this moment, when I am crying so hard my body seems to have taken its leave of my will and is twitching and shuddering and choking me… the words don’t help, knowing doesn’t help, nothing helps.
I don’t want to be positive and tell myself how I’ll survive, how tomorrow is another day, how I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I don’t even want the pain to stop, I’m too far gone to even comprehend such a thing to wish for it.
I don’t want to do this alone anymore. I want to be held, I want to curl into someone, feel warmth and strength and love. But I don’t have that. I have no one I am willing to show myself to, sobbing and shuddering and twitching, tears and snot and my throat dry from sobbing but I can’t even swallow for the snot in my head that hasn’t yet dripped down onto my lip.
I want to wrap myself in cotton and keep all the sharp edges of life away from myself. Even for just a little while, I’d take it, though I’d wish for forever.
I’d say that this set me off, for those who belong to Fetlife…
This is today. Tomorrow will, I’m sure, be different.
But earlier today I had the same reaction to this…
I want so badly to go far away. To a beautiful, peaceful place. I’m so tired of being alone among people in the middle of humanity. I want to be alone, alone, in the middle of nowhere. I look at these photos and I want it so badly it hurts…hurts with all the other hurts until I’m crying again.
For cabins.
It’s time to go to bed.
You May Also Like
