For those keeping track…

Sorry to everybody I owe emails to, and comments I haven’t responded to.

I had a better day today.  Really doing quite a lot better.  Then literally…six minutes ago…everything crashed.

Maybe I can argue that my brain is still weak and while it maintained for most of the day, it is tired and has let go of some control.  Though I’m, of course, now worried about cycling.. was my “good” actually “mania” and this “tired” actually “depression?”

I think I’ll hope for tired.  Everything was fine.  And suddenly my stomach is tight and cold, I feel hopeless, almost suicidal…  for no reason at all… no external reason anyway.  I still don’t want to post my journal from yesterday.

I was laughed at by a masochist… Never complain to a masochist about your sore backside.  Silly Shadow.

I feel lost and tired and lonely and alone even with a friend literally at my side.

I had therapy today.  Maybe this is a delayed reaction.  Therapy is intense and tough right now.  Tomorrow I work then therapy again on Wednesday (after work).  I work every day the rest of the week.  This may turn out to be a bad plan if my brain is this tired after just going to therapy.

I don’t know who I am.  I don’t know what I am.  I am telling myself it’s all okay… it will all settle with a little bit of time… but it isn’t working.  My shrink once explained to me one of the causes of suicide, particularly mass suicides like after the market crash…  An abrupt shift in a person’s self-identity.  My therapist recently saw a talk about this as well…  Apparently the speaker was saying it was only the rich, white people committing suicide because it was such a psychic shock to suddenly be such a completely different identity… something that was core to how they understood themselves…  The black people were used to standing in the soup lines, they weren’t the ones jumping off buildings.  (This was the speaker’s points.)

My best friend in college committed suicide, I believe because he was gay but he couldn’t reconcile that with his religion.  His religion forbids suicide, but he chose that rather than live with this conflict inside of him any longer.

Another best friend committed suicide a couple months ago.  His career which was… more than just his work, it was everything to his identity, to his place in his family, in his culture, as vitally part of him as his own body… he had to give up.  The moment when we all had hope… when he seemed to finally accept it, when he seemed to let go of his inner struggle and we all… stupidly… thought it meant he was moving forward… that was when he killed himself.  When he knew he was no longer what he had always been.

I don’t even know what I am.  Is the uncertainty saving me?  I don’t know for sure that I’m nothing I thought I was…  Or is the uncertainty my own period of struggle and one day I’ll wake up with acceptance… and a weapon to my own throat?

All of my existence is chaos.

I was happy!  Half an hour ago!  I was joking, I was laughing, I was messing with K…  I was HAPPY!  Now I want to die.  Now I think everyone hates me.  Everything is darkness.   I hate my life!

K says it’s time for bed.

Yeah, cause…  I won’t drown in my own snot and tears if I lie down right now.

Sexy, right?

Yeah…

More meds for the crazy girl.

I don’t want this anymore.

I want to give up.

The windows of happiness come at too high a cost…

Damn.

He dosed me with sleepy stuff.

Sneaky bugger.

Try again tomorrow, I guess…

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