Gratitude – Moments with Sir

Sir sometimes gives me an assignment before putting me into a corner, something to think about, which requires an answer when I’m released.

Often it is something like, “What success did you have today?” or “What are you grateful for?” and I have to have a satisfactory (to Sir) response when the timer goes off or the entire process starts over (hell no!)

The other night after maintenance AND punishment for being late to bed, Sir sent me with a gratitude assignment.

When he released me the first thing that came out of my mouth (which I had thought of but hadn’t intended to SAY, thanks so much ADHD) was, “I’m grateful for Sub Brother because he can have sex with you so I don’t have to feel guilty for being a failure at having sex with you whenever you want.”

Sub Brother spoke first, “Oh, thanks! Love you, too.”

Sir found his words, “Wait… what? There is… SO MUCH WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE!”

I scrambled, “No no! I have a better one!”

Sir contained himslef long enough for me to tell him my second thought.

“I’m grateful that you aren’t turned on by punishing me because then you aren’t constantly looking for me to fail in order to get what you want from me and then our relationship isn’t completely dependent on me being dysfunctional and you “punishing” me for things you actually want me to keep doing and I hate myself for being such a failure and start to believe I am hopeless and shouldn’t even try to do anything right.”

Sir was silent for a moment, then he breathed, “Jesus, Baby…” He leaned close to me and gently set his hands on either side of my face. “Have you been thinking about Michael?” his tone was soft, his eyes sympathetic and I allowed myself to lean into his comfort.

“Michael… and everyone else… until you.”

Sir pulled back slightly, he took a breath and looked like he was about to say something, but the muscles in his jaw and throat twitched and his eyes seemed brighter than usual. He took another breath and his jaw clenched again. Finally, he clasped my hands and pulled them to his lips. He kissed my curled fingers, then pulled me against him. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he murmured into my hair, and Sub Brother slid across the bed, snugging himself against Sir’s side and wrap his arm around my back.

I took a breath and it came out in a deep sigh, a release of breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

I let my body soften into their arms and my mind settle into contended silence.

“We’re still going to talk about that first one,” Sir whispered.

I cringe. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not in trouble, but we’re going to talk about it.” He kissed me again. “Later.”