• Service

    There is an aspect of the BDSM D/s world called “service.”  This, like everything else, means different things to different people.  In general it usually refers to a dynamic or aspect of a dynamic in which the submissive does a type of service for the dominant… like… housekeeping, cooking meals, bringing drinks and rubbing feet, even serving tea in a very formal tea service. So, service… can mean a lot of things.  And some subs and doms don’t prefer or engage in any service activities.  Or some submissives follow orders to do domestic chores but don’t identify it as “service”.  But really, it doesn’t matter to me what other people…

  • Weary

    Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night.  He’s going to get beaten.  It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me.  Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too.  And with my therapist today.  And with Sir tonight.  Here’s what I’m clear about…  I don’t want Sir to not go through with it.  I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.

  • Black Holes and Porridge – Moments with Sir

    As the time for my departure on an international trip approaches, my anxiety has risen to new heights of awesomeness.  Combined with ruminating depression, I spent most of yesterday, and all night, obsessively thinking about the most horrific things that might happen while I’m away and was completely unable to stop thinking about them. Sub Brother has been struggling a little bit as well, though not at the level I am.  But it’s enough that he’s becoming indecisive.  He becomes anxious about making a choice and it causes him to freeze a little bit sometimes, even if the decision isn’t important. Sir frequently amazes me and… at the same time……

  • Awakening

    Sir and I played today.  It was an impromptu thing and ended up spreading across three rooms and a hallway before we ended up in bed (we don’t have sex, I mean literally ended up in bed – cuddling and aftercare).  It was a kind of a wild, totally unplanned series of events, and Sir pushed some boundaries that I wasn’t totally sure about, but… it turned out weren’t terrible or scary like I assumed they would be, and ended up being kind of cool and fun… plus I totally feel more like a “real sub” now after my foray into the BDSM porn world.  Not much more, but a…

  • Manic – Moments with Sir

    I slip out of the bed carefully, hoping not to wake Sir or Devin.  In the dark I can’t see either of their faces, but I hear no change in breathing, no rustle of movement.  I pad, barefoot, across the room.  The fan above creaks, sending a steady current of cold air across my bare skin. The door opens silently and I close it again behind me. I grip both rails of the staircase, nervous in the blackness of missing a step and breaking my neck, still mindful of how I place each foot lest the house creak and the subtle shift of energy somehow, metaphysically, stir Sir from sleep.…

  • Empty – SFD

    “I tried to think about photography today, I looked for things on our walk.” Devin looks at me.  “That’s good.” He drags out the second word, questioning, waiting for the rest. “I couldn’t.  Nothing was… good.” He twists his mouth slightly in sympathy.  And Sir, standing slightly behind me, brushes my hair back behind my ear.

  • The Edge

    My fingers move over the keys, not typing, just moving because… I have to move.  My legs are twitching, my eyes are too wide, I can feel it but I can’t stop. The depression has been ice in my veins, lead shot in my limbs, defeat, sloth.  But now it has been enervated like Frankenstein’s monster, a lightning storm in my brain that gave it a hideous semblance of life. Now it is restless movement, snapping temper, too much light, too much sound… too much… too much… touch… get my fucking clothes off of me NOW!

  • Moments with Sir…and Sub Brother

    It’s been pointed out to me by someone recently that I rarely talk about sub brother, while I talk about Sir a lot.  And I’ve been thinking about my response to that, and thought about making in a blog post.  So during dinner I brought it up to sub brother and asked him if he would feel uncomfortable if I wrote about him on my blog. He gives me a wide-eyed look and asks, “Me?  Why do you want to write about me?” “Because, you’re important to me, you’re my partner and my friend and… I write about Sir all the time, but I hardly say anything about you.” “Well,…

  • Top Drop

    So… for some of my readers this is going to be S/M 101, sorry…  Most of the readers I know of aren’t super hardcore into the kink scene so I need to make sure I explain terms (if this bores you, of course, do move on…) So, when people “play” heavily, so… that could be physical or psychological/emotional heavy, or, often, both, there is a lot of chemical action in the body and the brain… there is adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of crazy chemistry mixing up and once the scene is over, either shortly after or even starting a day or two after, the bottom (the one on…

  • Letting Go

    Today was my first day of summer break. I worked on lesson plans.  For next year.  For six hours. I washed dishes and vacuumed. I read teaching books.  For four hours. That’s my day. My entire day. Tonight depression got hold of me, and I think, maybe I was just running away from it coming all day because I knew that it would.