Being Sir

While I acknowledge that a triad relationship is innately very difficult (even more than normal relationships, which are hella, stupid hard), I sometimes think Sir has it the hardest.  I’m sure the grass is always… harder…? on the other side, but…

We had a rough weekend.  We’ve all been sick, like, seriously, passing viruses around.  I started out with a chest infection, both guys had head colds.  My chest infection improved in time for me to get a head cold, and both guys’ head colds turned into chest infections.

Sir actually went to the doctor after missing work sick, both of which are pretty unheard of for him, and found out he has bronchitis and is now on antibiotics.  Sub Brother is still hanging in with just a raggedy cough, but isn’t at the 100 degree temperature, yet.  So… you know.  Positives!

Anyway.  This weekend was a shit show.  Then Sir and I got in a fight on Monday night, and Sub Brother also got in a fight with Sir on Monday night (unrelated to my fight with him).  And Sir ended up (possibly aided by having a 100 degree fever) curling up on the floor and crying by the end of the night.  Granted he had been feeling like absolute shit for days, and his brain was probably frying at that point from the fever.  This isn’t his normal behavior.  But… still… it made me think.  Normally, in our relationship, I only have one person angry with me at a time.  Sub Brother and I don’t usually get into fights, but when we do, Sir doesn’t take sides in it, so we never feel ganged up on or anything.  And since it happens so rarely, it doesn’t usually incidentally occur that Sir is mad at one of us about something else at the same time.  So… almost never do I (or SB) have to contend with both of my partners being angry with me at once.  But Sir, because… he’s Sir and he’s also the point of the V… although we’re coming closer to triad all the time, still… a V… can more frequently be in a position where both SB and I are unhappy with him about something.

It doesn’t happen that frequently, really.  But it happens.  And much more often than I have to deal with it, which is, pretty much never.

And this weekend I realized that… probably sucks for him.

I tend to have a stupid idea that guys don’t feel insecure in relationships… that… that’s just my own neurotic behavior and other people don’t do that, or feel that way.  Which I understand is silly and myopic, but… it’s… I tend to consider everything that I do to be a singular flaw of my own inherently flawed existence and that the rest of the world just puts up with me for some reason… I don’t tend to assume anyone else is screwed up in any of the ways I’m screwed up… including feeling insecure.

Plus… Sir is… good looking, and he’s educated, and he’s… he’s… smart… he’s confident.  He’s pretty perfect.  So, I even more think that he has no reason to ever feel insecure or have problems.  Because, you know, I’m an idiot.

But he does.  And then K said something stupid to him this weekend and it made Sir doubt an aspect of our (his and mine) relationship.  And… I’ve never seen him doubt anything about us before.  I mean… I’ve seen him be uncertain about how to handle something, and… fumble through figuring out female anatomy… but never really… down deep… insecure about his relationship with me.

And then this weekend I saw him doubt himself.  And… I was really pissed off at K for doing that.  But also I… felt weirdly irritated with Sir for… for… being insecure.  And he has a right to be insecure.  I’m fucking insecure on a daily basis.  I’ve got like… 978 days of insecurity to his 1…  I have NO BUSINESS being pissy about him having a moment of doubt.

But I realized I think that I kind of put him on a pedestal… because he IS so competent and self-assured and he doesn’t really struggle a lot with his confidence… and I kind of rely on that.  I rely on his stability and his… grounding influence and I depend on him a lot.  It’s… kind of how our relationship works.  And I guess it’s okay because he likes it that way, too.  But… this weekend made me feel a little like… I wonder if it’s a strain on him sometimes…  If I let myself build him up so much that I don’t let him be human… that I don’t let him make mistakes… that I’m not forgiving and considerate of his feelings as much as I could be… because I just see him as Sir…

I think, because I used to do it, that being dominant is hard.  It’s harder even, begin master, because… there is so much you take on, so many responsibilities, so much… obligation.  That’s how it always felt to me… such a huge burden of obligation…  That guys would just… put the full weight of their adulthood onto my shoulders.  For them, I thought, it was a great deal because they didn’t have to take responsibility for anything anymore, it was all on me.  It was actually a pretty horrible experience.  And then I had to be perfect for them on top of it.

I remember my last boyfriend (before Michael) who thought he was a sub, and was really trying to figure it out for himself and wanted to be collared to me… one night, sitting on the couch, I curled up and laid my head on his lap while we were watching a movie.  He said, “Hey, isn’t that supposed to be my position?”

I told him he was being my pillow and to shut up.  But… he was sincerely… off-put by me doing anything that, to him, in any way hinted at softness, or vulnerability, or even just being tired.  Because I was the dom.  Only he was supposed to be soft or vulnerable or even tired.

And it so… summed up my experiences with men as a dominant.

And sometimes I worry that… the way those men made me feel… the way being dominant made me feel… that… that I am now just reversing the roles and I’m being that to Sir…  Expecting him to be the dominant and perfect all the time and not allowing him to be human…

I think it is inherently hard to be the dominant, especially with two subs…  I wonder sometimes if I take that and make it even harder for Sir.

🙁

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