Relationships

I think I’ve come up with at least a partial solution so my privacy issues.  I’ll write what I want to write, but certain posts which pass my threshold for TMI for faceless masses will be set to password protected.  I’ll send the password to the people with whom I’m personal friends.  That will allow me to control the voyeurism feelings I get and I can determine my own level of comfort with who gets how deep into my personal life.

Don’t worry, my boundaries are pretty open.  But this allows me the comfort I need to hopefully be sustainable in using my blog in a way that works for me.

So… Shit has been real this past month.

The plague ship has revisited, we’ve been passing about three viruses around the house for three weeks now and all of us are so so sick of being sick.  And beyond that, it’s worn all of us down past any semblance of sensibility.  We are snapping at each other, we’re arguing, and the past few days we sank to outright saying mean and hurtful things which… we don’t do.  That’s not us.  And it was deeply upsetting to me when we went there.

And it isn’t just the three of us, K and J were over this weekend also, and K said something that was really hurtful and it just felt like he was trying to be mean and… he was hurtful.

And… I just don’t like this.

I don’t like any of us like this.

We’ve been through so much, and things have been so dark, and… we’ve all survived it… together.  And now it feels like we’re all breaking.

I’m trying to be mature and rational.  I’m telling myself we’re all under stress, we’re sick, we’ve recently lost my dog, there are all these reasons why we’re not ourselves.  I tell myself we’ve been bad to each other before… that we’ve been over the edge before, even thought we were unforgivable and managed to come back and managed to forgive.

But somehow I can’t keep remembering that.  I keep slipping into thinking that this is the end of the world.  The end of us.

My bestie, S, gave up her whole evening last night to talk to me.  And Sir and I talked things out and things are… getting better with us.  But, I found out that K and J are struggling in their relationship.  It explains, I guess, why K was being such an asshole.  They’re under stress that I didn’t even know about.  But I’m also, suddenly, terrified.

They are so… I always think of them as solid.  I think of them as… unbreakable with each other.  The shit that they’ve lived through together.  Even just surviving each other day to day.  K has some pretty severe disabilities, and J has always just… handled them.  Like the two of them were made to fit with each other, like… it never caused any strain, they just fit.

It is upsetting a very deep part of me to think of them not being… solid.  To consider that they… might not be forever.  And I feel incredibly childish, that I’ve put them on this relationship pedestal.  It’s silly.  Everyone struggles.  And they’ve been through such hard things.  Their daughter had so many problems.  K’s been dealing with cancer, and relapses, and experimental therapies, and not even knowing if he’d live.

And here’s the thing…  My parents… they were going to divorce when I was in high school.  I didn’t know it, but my dad had already rented an apartment when they found out my mom had cancer.  And my dad didn’t feel like he could leave my mom with her having cancer, so he stayed and I never knew until I was older.  And then my mom was going to move out years later, and then they found out my dad had cancer… and she stayed.  And I didn’t know any of this.

And this feels, irrationally and childishly, like that.  That… maybe them being solid has been an illusion.  That they stayed together and maintained the illusion because of cancer.  But… that one day… one Christmas morning… one of them is just going to announce their divorce, over Christmas breakfast.  Right?  And…

I know that’s… irrational and… emotional… and they aren’t my parents.

They’ll probably be okay.  Because, honestly, they are both better fitted to each other than my parents.  They are a good match.  And they’re both… they’re both good at taking care of their relationship.  Like S.  She’s good at being married, being in a relationship.

They’ll probably be okay.

But maybe they won’t.

They have kids together, they wouldn’t either of them disappear.  They’d stay civil and around because of their kids.  But… I don’t…

I need them to be… unbreakable.

I need to grow up.

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