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Bad Week
It’s Friday night. Â Sir came home a little while ago with K and J. Â I got sent upstairs to do my blog. Â I’m irritated about that. Â And I’m irritated at the power dynamic in the house right now. Â I’m trying to tell myself that I’m projecting because I’m pissed off about a power dynamic at work. Â But I’m STILL pissed off at home, projection or no! And I’m pissed at K, which isn’t good. Â He and I can push each other’s buttons and… hey… I just realized I’m the only one besides his daughter that can really push his buttons. Â I’m not sure if that’s anything to be proud of.…
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Service
There is an aspect of the BDSM D/s world called “service.” Â This, like everything else, means different things to different people. Â In general it usually refers to a dynamic or aspect of a dynamic in which the submissive does a type of service for the dominant… like… housekeeping, cooking meals, bringing drinks and rubbing feet, even serving tea in a very formal tea service. So, service… can mean a lot of things. Â And some subs and doms don’t prefer or engage in any service activities. Â Or some submissives follow orders to do domestic chores but don’t identify it as “service”. Â But really, it doesn’t matter to me what other people…
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Weary
Sir is going to meet with K on Friday night. Â He’s going to get beaten. Â It’s a thing they do, and… I’ve made peace with it in the past, but this time it’s upsetting me. Â Sir and I have talked this through and he wants me to write about it now. I talked to Sub Brother last night about it, too. Â And with my therapist today. Â And with Sir tonight. Â Here’s what I’m clear about… Â I don’t want Sir to not go through with it. Â I do want to solve my own problem with this so I can be okay with it.
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Rain – Moments with Sir
This story references this post: Shroedinger’s Rain. I could hear him approach me, and I flinched. “I don’t want to be touched! Please…” Sir stopped, one hand already outstretched to comfort. That hand hung for a moment in the air between us, then curled into a fist and I heard him sigh. “Okay.” A spasm of agony wrenched my chest and I turned away from him, gripping the edges of the counter and focusing my gaze on the branches outside the kitchen window. I could hear the confusion in his voice, the threads of hurt and concern. I heard his footsteps retreat but then they stopped and I heard soft…
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Schroedinger’s Rain
I wrote once about a conversation I had with Ryan about having a mental illness. Â He and I both have bipolar and PTSD and anxiety. Â I was talking to him about reality, about when you have a mental illness, it is like standing in the rain. Â You know it is raining. Â You can see the rain. Â You can feel the rain. Â You can smell the rain. Â You are soaking wet with rain and rain is dripping into your eyes. Â It is raining. Â And then someone comes up and tells you that it’s not raining. Â Now, you can see that this person is also getting rained on. Â It is raining. Â The…
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Black Holes and Porridge – Moments with Sir
As the time for my departure on an international trip approaches, my anxiety has risen to new heights of awesomeness. Â Combined with ruminating depression, I spent most of yesterday, and all night, obsessively thinking about the most horrific things that might happen while I’m away and was completely unable to stop thinking about them. Sub Brother has been struggling a little bit as well, though not at the level I am. Â But it’s enough that he’s becoming indecisive. Â He becomes anxious about making a choice and it causes him to freeze a little bit sometimes, even if the decision isn’t important. Sir frequently amazes me and… at the same time……
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Slider
I had a rough patch for a few days. Â Therapy went hard and I went into a spiral and for some reason (I’m sure therapy could explain it) I became almost intolerably self-critical for several days. And I know it’s easy for people to scold or dismiss my self-criticism. Â It’s easy to say, “You’re too hard on yourself,” or “Why are you being so mean?” or “Don’t do that…” The thing is, it’s a disease. And I think even I forget that too often. This week, when this hit me, I had an episode when I was putting on clothes (my ordinary clothes that I wear all the time) and…
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Other People’s Blogs
So the problem with reading other people’s blogs about BDSM is… inevitably I will run across something that makes me crazy.  Probably because, you know, people.  But just recently I was reading a submissive woman’s blog and she had a “guest post” by a male dominant about what dominants need from their submissives. It was fine.  For him.  I’m sure. Of course, he didn’t phrase it as “This is what I need from a submissive relationship.”  He framed it as if this was the way to be a submissive.
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Protect the Property – SJP
I found some prompts for submissive journaling – Submissive Journal Prompts (SJP). Â I don’t know how often I’ll do one or even if I’ll manage to be mature enough to do more than one before I have a tantrum and refuse to write to anyone else’s demands (ahem, not you, Sir!) Â But, I’m giving it a try. This prompt came from a blog called Submissive Circle. Â I just found it on a Google search and don’t read it. Â It looks like it hasn’t been active for a while, but, hey, I know how THAT goes! Â But there are a few prompts that didn’t seem too horrible for me to mangle…
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Awakening
Sir and I played today. Â It was an impromptu thing and ended up spreading across three rooms and a hallway before we ended up in bed (we don’t have sex, I mean literally ended up in bed – cuddling and aftercare). Â It was a kind of a wild, totally unplanned series of events, and Sir pushed some boundaries that I wasn’t totally sure about, but… it turned out weren’t terrible or scary like I assumed they would be, and ended up being kind of cool and fun… plus I totally feel more like a “real sub” now after my foray into the BDSM porn world. Â Not much more, but a…
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