And the beat goes on…
It’s 6:50 in the morning. I actually got ready for work early, ate breakfast, and had time to have a cup of tea… I should really try to do that more often.
This morning I had a reason. I had a meeting scheduled online with a friend. He didn’t make it. So I’ve been sipping tea and meandering the internet. He may have had a crisis to deal with… Things happen.
Aren’t I being so rational and mature?
It’s all a lie. But I’m a good liar.
It is likely that he had a crisis. In the real world where my brain does not exist… something came up for him, it has nothing to do with me, everything is fine…
In the crazy, fucked up world where my brain exists… Somewhere between last night and this morning, horrible things happened. My brain is sifting through everything I said, every misstep every mistake, every way I upset or offended or disappointed. And it doesn’t restrict it to one friend. Once it gets its groove on it is full on, baby…
I am also justifying every reason my other friend also doesn’t want to speak to me (we had no appointment to speak and he has restricted internet access… But that’s that other world where my brain doesn’t exist…)
K is in a bad mood this morning for reasons of his own I’m sure (other world) but it’s still my fault I’m sure (my world.)
I’m keeping it inside, not letting him see it. He’ll read this but if I push us close enough to the time we have to leave the house, he may not have time until later… So I’m keeping it to myself for now. He’s preoccupied and not paying attention anyway.
It would be nice to live in the real world where everything isn’t my responsibility and my fault. Sometimes I get a glimpse of it, like something passing outside my window. I glimpse it enough to believe…just maybe… it is there. But it’s always only glimpses. I am not even close enough to it to hold it, even outside my window, long enough for a prolonged look at it.
But I guess glimpses are better than I’ve had before. Maybe with time my glimpses will become glances which will evolve into looks and then intimate watching. I don’t guess, even in this fantasy, I can imagine actually participating in that other world. Maybe I don’t need to imagine that for now. I’ll settle for hoping for glances.
