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Embarrassed and Ashamed
There are things I don’t write much about, even here. At lunch today, Sir asked me about one of them. I told him it was because I’m embarrassed and he asked if I’m embarrassed or if I’m ashamed. I’m not sure I completely know the difference… which is embarrassing (I think). So he gave me homework to look up both words and see what I can come up with as definitions, then write about it and the topic he asked me about at lunch (sigh). I think the most useful defining feature I found in my Googling was this – shame is the feeling that you’re doing something wrong or…
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Alone Among the Outcast
I’m sore today and maybe that’s making me a little sad. I avoided writing so long that I wound up having to find things to do around the house all day (my computer was confiscated until I wrote a blog post today). Now, it’s 7 o’clock and I’ve finally surrendered for the sake of getting my computer back for at least part of the evening. A friend of mine posted something on Facebook about a follower of his having a particularly racy Tumblr in a vein which was particularly appealing to my friend. He didn’t share the name of the Tumblr so I went hunting on my phone to see…
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Deal – Moments with Sir
“In the bedroom at 9:45.” “But…” I make a hollow noise with my throat and glare at the ceiling in frustration. Sir walks away. The clock reads 9:32. I sit silently for a moment, contemplating defiance as if my pain is currency. 50 extra swats would buy me half an hour… It’s vice versa but, I don’t think of it that way. I’m already on maintenance so that will be happening regardless. I took an extra 100 last night for my hour of indulgence. That was rough, but I made it. Of course it cost me my computer, too. As I sit on the couch in the living room, disinterested…
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Separation – Moments with Sir
Sir settles onto the couch beside me. He doesn’t look at me right away, but he puts his hand on my leg, a warm pressure. He doesn’t look at the TV, either. His mind seems focused on other things. I can’t name a specific reason I think this, but I am sure of it as he settles beside me, and lays his hand on my leg. The Walking Dead is on the TV. Screams, gunshots, and rasping groans fight to win my attention, but they were already weak contenders, and Sir’s presence easily overpowers them. I wait a breath, feeling my belly tighten. My doctor just talked to me yesterday…
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Into the Wood Chipper
Note: This went dark fast, so… content warning? It gets graphic and ugly. Also, I do understand that there is a difference between being assaulted by someone with bad intentions and being assaulted by someone with good intentions… I just don’t care. Everyone seems to feel that it is extremely relevant to consider the intentions… but as I used to tell Michael. If you run over me with your car, whether you meant to do it or not has shit all effect on my broken arm. It’s Monday. It’s trauma therapy night. For the past two days I settled into a place of absolute emotional nothingness. Not depression, as I’ve…
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Accidents Happen – SSC vs. RACK
We had a little accident last night. Considering I’ve been doing this thing with Sir for almost ten years, long before he was officially Sir, I think that’s a damn good track record! And we didn’t even have to go to the emergency room, unlike a certain Navy Seal who shall remain nameless. Ahem. It was my fault. It was really a freak set of circumstances, but, I was the reason I got hurt. Sir was using the wooden spoon. I got a cramp in my foot and dropped my knee literally mid stroke, which meant that instead of the broad side of the spoon, I got hit with the…
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Soap Opera
I feel like that is what this blog is. An endless soap opera that is my melodramatic life. It’s probably one of those guilty pleasures that some people come here and think, “Oh, hell no, I’m not into soap operas,” but then they start reading and they get hooked. Except it’s a shitty soap opera because it goes off the air for months on end and then picks up in the middle of nowhere… so… really… I don’t know what kind of masochism it must take to actually follow my shit. Today… was… better. Objectively. I guess. I underslept and underate. But I worked out and took a shower. I…
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Sleepless
I didn’t post yesterday. I never went to bed. I stayed up for over 36 hours, and finally Sir forcibly drugged me to get me to go to sleep. He is blaming our dynamic. I’m too tired to argue with him, but I don’t agree. Punishment had me getting in bed by midnight or earlier, and it was improving every day. Two days with family, and joining a BDSM group on Facebook sent me into a literal death spiral. Family is draining, but I think the real culprit is the FB group. I was in it for just over 24 hours, and in that time became severely depressed, confronted several…
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Success. Yay?
I stayed up past my bedtime last night. Again. This daily blogging is going to be really easy if I keep this up, I’ll just copy and paste the post from the day before. I got spanked. Again. I was only 20 minutes late last night, and Sir says that’s a big step, it’s been 4 or 5 hours late. It was still a failure. I still got punished. Because I convinced him to keep our dynamic going. I could tell he really didn’t want to do it last night. I could feel him hesitate before he started. He said he was trying to avoid the worst bruises. The WORST…
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Telling Truths
After posting last night, after cuddles and forgiveness and panic over a mark… There was a general consesus that it was bedtime. I picked up my phone. I dont know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I’m trying to be bad. I don’t think I’m trying to get in trouble. I just… do things. I know I have ADHD, but I’m not usually this level of completely dysfunctional. So Sir swatted me and took it away and sent me to brush my teeth. I came out of the bathroom, Sir was helping SB in the other bathroom, I picked up my phone again. Fifteen minutes later, Sir and SB…
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