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Living and Dying
It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted. Â I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years. Â There were all these, “This is hopeful! Â Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches. Â But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.
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Broken Toys
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Trying to get some damn work done…
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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So… That happened…
Yeah. So. Life was sucking. Then a rapist bigot became the next president. I’m sure there have been other rapist bigots in the white house… but none of them quite so openly unapologetic about it. So… whole new world!Â
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Broken Toys
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Statuses I Can’t Post on Facebebook
Holy shit! Â I’m a slave and I just safeworded my Master…
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Broken Toys
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Recovery
So… Â I went on a little technology diet. Â And took sleeping pills. Â Appropriately, not like suicidally – it’s okay, I know I have to clarify things like this. Â Part of being a bipolar brain.
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Broken Toys
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Toxic to Humans
Sir made me erase and start over. Â I’m getting annoyed with him. Â He says that’s a good thing because I’m calming down… Â He should be thrilled with me right about now, then… So… fucking blog post for Sir. Ryan once wrote a blog post that he titled Toxic to Humans. Â He said his disease made him incompatible with other human beings. Â He’s right. Â He and I have the same disease… I hurt someone today because… because I did something I shouldn’t have done. Â And I tried to fix it, but when you say something that hurts someone you can’t really fix it. And then… because of that, that hurt…
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Midsummer Night’s Mania
It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain. Â But summer is still hard. Â There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer. Â I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August. Â But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time. Â And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule. Â So… Â I struggle. I’ve been…
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Broken Toys
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Moments with Sir – Ownership
This is something I wrote for the list I run… I don’t think I ever published it here. Â I think I intended to, but just never felt motivated enough to “clean it up” and make it more neat and tidy for this posting. Then I was talking with my friend S, and telling her about it and I realized I never had shared it here (and thus she hadn’t read it, obviously) and that… it actually illuminates a complicated to explain aspect of my relationship with Sir. Â I don’t know if this will uncomplicate it, but it will, hopefully, demonstrate it… Or not… Â Meh. Â I’m not going to bother cleaning…
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Perspectives
I finished another school year. Â Thank god! Â It was a better year than last year. Â And my transition (I am famously terrible at transitions) has not been terrible. Â I glitched slightly today, but Sir made me stand in the corner (“meditate”) which is his new thing, not as punishment, just as sensory deprivation and forcing me to do some kind of meditation practice. Â