Awakening

Sir and I played today.  It was an impromptu thing and ended up spreading across three rooms and a hallway before we ended up in bed (we don’t have sex, I mean literally ended up in bed – cuddling and aftercare).  It was a kind of a wild, totally unplanned series of events, and Sir pushed some boundaries that I wasn’t totally sure about, but… it turned out weren’t terrible or scary like I assumed they would be, and ended up being kind of cool and fun… plus I totally feel more like a “real sub” now after my foray into the BDSM porn world.  Not much more, but a little…  Sigh.

After we cuddled for about a half hour and came down off our endorphins and whatever, Sir decided it was time to get cleaned up and back to our day.  He pushed me out of the bed and said, “Go… find your clothes…” because they were literally scattered across three rooms and a hallway.

Which was completely Sir’s fault!

And Sub Brother (who wasn’t at home when we played) said he wished he’d been here.  We weren’t intentionally avoiding him, play isn’t really a closed-door event around here, but he just happened to be out for the day today.  He wasn’t upset about it, or anything, but he asked me all the details about it.  And it was really interesting because… I’ve always thought that, somehow, Sir playing with me, or seeing me naked, or you know, having anything to do with me at all, was really something Sub Brother just tolerated because he loves Sir.  I’ve never assumed he cared one way or the other about… about things related to my submission, other than, just being a nice person and not being rude when I’m naked or anything.

I didn’t think he was actually INTERESTED.  But he wanted to talk about it tonight and asked me all about it and reacted to different parts of it and wanted to see if I still had any marks, and… like… he was interested!  Even in the girl-bits parts of it.  Like, on his own, after the fact, could have gotten off scot-free and considered himself lucky to have avoided having to be present when Sir was playing with me for this once.  But… he wasn’t.  He actually wanted the play by play and wanted to see and…

And I realized I’m kind of an asshole.

Because I just assume nobody really cares about me, and that people who are nice to me are just doing it out of courtesy, because they are nice people, not because… not because of anything about me.  And I extra assumed that Sub Brother wasn’t interested in anything sexual that Sir does with me because… he’s gay… I figured he probably finds it… just… at best… uninteresting.  I still have a hard time justifying why SIR does it, and manage to wrangle the dominance and sadism payoff for him, even if it isn’t a sexual payoff… but Sub Brother doesn’t get the dominance or sadist payoff.

So, realizing I’m an asshole, I apologized to Sub Brother for my assumptions and… explained all of this thinking to him, and that, I really, I really go through my whole life this way, but specifically with Sub Brother and Sir… assuming that I’m… I’m fundamentally unwantable.

That I take up space in other people’s lives.

That people tolerate me.  Or that I work hard enough to be funny or helpful that they appreciate having me around in spite of my space-wastage and the air I use up by breathing…

I very very deeply don’t comprehend that Sir simply loves… me.  Not for sex.  Not for dominance.  Not for sadism.  Just… for… me.  I don’t, in fact, believe that.

Then tonight, I was telling Sub Brother about this, that I don’t know what I have to offer since he’s gay and he’s not dominant or sadistic and that I’m sorry that Sir does sexual things with me when Sub Brother has to be around that, since I’m not a guy and he’s gay… and he looked at me and he said…

“Shadow (not really, he used my name), I think Sir playing with you is sexy, and I’m glad I get to be part of it.  I don’t really think of you like a woman, I just think of you like… you.”

And… I don’t know.  I don’t know what to think about that.

T used to say something like that, too.  He used to say that I wasn’t really a WOMAN to him, I was just Shadow (he used my real name too.)  Or he’d say I was kind of like a guy (mostly when I had short hair and was wearing a baseball cap and driving a tractor…)  But he and I and Sir weren’t sexual.  He and Sir, were, but I was just friends with them at that time… even though… I was witness to their play at times… and I wondered if that bothered T, that Sir (not Sir at that time) allowed or asked or invited me to be an audience, and T said he didn’t mind and he liked that I was there.  Which… bent my brain, also.

But with Sub Brother, it’s even more bendy because… he’s gay.  They are both gay.  Not “somewhere on the continuum of human sexuality” not “everyone is a little bit bi” or any of that other bullshit people use to invalidate people’s orientations.  They’re both solidly, happily, gay.  But… then… there’s me.

And I feel like an intruder and a burden and ugly and misplaced in their lives.  And not because of anything they do or say… quite the opposite.  It comes from this stupid black pit of tar inside of me that says I… am not worthy… of existing.  That my existence itself is an insult to the world.

My entire life has been consumed with simultaneously disappearing and being useful enough to overcome the awfulness of my presence in people’s lives.

I don’t fundamentally believe in my right to exist, just for being born.

I don’t usually think about it.

But I live my life by it.

Unconsciously.

How sad.

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