Behind the Curtain
Someone emailed me a question about whether, when I post a diary type entry and I’m in a certain mood or mindset, and then I post some intervening things that are of the non-diary variety, do I ever consider posting in my next diary about what happened between then and the previous entry – a sort of “When last we visited our heroine, she was clinging to the side of a cliff…” type of synopsis of the intervening time.
This made me think about my manic episode a couple of nights ago. For those of you who saw that, I apologize. Sir went in the next morning and set those posts to “private” so they’re no longer visible, but I think some people probably got to them before he did. It was a psychotic episode. It came on because of my mood state. And we’re not sure what triggered it this time, but it may have been a medication issue… it’s being investigated.
But I posted a Q&A post the next night, so it probably appeared I had made a miraculous recovery and all was well 24 hours later. Actually, the Q&A post was already written and set to auto-publish. Since school has started, I’ve been writing a few extra posts here and there and storing them so if shit is really hitting the fan, I can put one on auto-post and it will post itself without me going online that evening. I had to use that the other night because I couldn’t handle being online. I did that with a few emails that I’ve been writing in a piecemeal fashion, so I just sent one of the ones I had already written.
In my mind this feels a little deceptive, so… I thought I should pull back the curtain about some of my operations and some of my little coping strategies that allow me to mostly maintain the facade of a functional human being day to day. Obviously that facade was fractured when I posted during a psychotic episode… but… I try to pull the curtain back over that as quickly as possible and pretend everything is normal.
Tonight, I’m writing early in the evening (have to be off all devices by 7) because the frequency of the light coming from a AC electrical source triggers the parts of my brain that go into mania. I use blue-light glasses, and I have a special computer screen, but… I can’t completely eliminate the stimulation of the light flicker, so, last night I didn’t write online, and tonight I’m doing it early and for less than ten minutes.
And now it’s 7, so I have to wrap up.
Welcome to the (wo)man behind the curtain…
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