Being Illegal

I heard once, in reference to undocumented immigrants, that the term “illegals” is dehumanizing. That human beings can’t be illegal. Human beings can be undocumented immigrants in a country, but human beings cannot be… illegal.

I heard this and I understood it and I stopped using the term “illegal” and rigorously trained myself to use the term “undocumented.” Because… humans can’t be illegal.

But then my therapist asked me how I could be fired from my job for my sexuality… How could I not simply sue for discrimination if that came to be? How can I be forced to live in the shadows, in fear, simply for who I am, how I was born to be?

I had to explain to her… While being gay is still a dangerous proposition in this world, and in this country I live in, there are more legal protections (at this point) for people who are gay than there are for people like me.

If I were fired for being gay, I could sue for discrimination, because, sexual orientation (at this point) is still (for the moment) a protected class (a federal appeals court ruled that sexual orientation is protected under the same law that protects against gender discrimination in the workplace.)

But I’m not a protected class.

It wasn’t until 2013 that the DSM (diagnostic manual for coding mental disorders) stopped classifying BDSM as a disorder.

2013.

Homosexuality got removed from the sexual disorders list in 1973… Not that that has done much for the cause, but… if you think about how much discrimination people still face for being LGBT, and think…that was removed from clinical diagnosis as a mental disorder in 1973… And then think… BDSM only got declassified in 2013. Imagine how far behind we are in our fight for freedom.

In addition, in 2003, the federal government struck down sodomy laws in the United States, overruling state sodomy bans in 14 states which still had them. This didn’t stop LGBT people from being harassed, even by law enforcement in those states, but the federal government at least ruled sodomy legal in all states.

Today, my state is still one of many that do not allow consent as a defense to assault and battery charges. This is good when it is a case of sexual assault – technically, a perpetrator can’t claim the victim consented to being assaulted as a defense. Funny how many rape victims still get raked over the coals of questionable consent, given that it is legally not a defense for assault and battery in this state. But it also means that I can’t legally consent to be hit by my partner. Legally, Sir could be arrested and charged with assault and battery even though I or Sub Brother consented to being hit.

That means that, technically, I engage in illegal activities with Sir every time we play, every time he uses physical punishment…

That means my job can legally fire me, or him with no other justification but our practice of our sexuality.

Given the nature of both of our jobs, optics is important. Given that optics is important, either one of our professions would quickly disavow us if we were outed… to save the optics.

And that means I’m vulnerable. He’s vulnerable. And not just vulnerable to being uncomfortable, or being harassed by colleagues. We are legally, professionally vulnerable to structures of power and authority in our society. That takes it beyond prejudice to systemic oppression and discrimination.

Then on Facebook the other day a friend of mine was ranting about someone suggesting the K (for kinky) be added to the ever lengthening LGTQIA initialism. He was going on about how kinky isn’t a sexual orientation and it doesn’t belong with the LGBTQ identity.

I actually agree with him. I don’t have any desire to be identified with LGBT people, I think they have a fight to fight just as I do and I support and ally with them in that fight. I think that people like me have a fight also, and those fights are not mutually exclusive. So it was hurtful to me as he was ranting about not including kinky people (though, technically, Transgender is not a sexual orientation, either, so his reasoning was poor.) It was hurtful that multiple of his friends piled on about how stupid an idea that was and how they expected all their kinky friends to now start crying in their inboxes about how they deserve to be protected, too (with virtual eye-rolling in spades).

It was hurtful.

I don’t think everyone with a kink or a fetish in this world needs protection and suffers oppression or discrimination. But when I live every day knowing my partner could be arrested and charged, we could both lose our professions, if we had children, they could be (and there are multiple cases of this happening) taken from us on the justification that our sexual preferences make us unfit… then I fucking well deserve a voice in the fight for equality and freedom from oppression.

And I fucking well deserve people to be my ally and to acknowledge the challenges I face and not dismiss my struggles and my fears and the threats to my freedom and well-being.

And it fucking sucks that because I am so threatened I can’t even say that to a friend on Facebook. I just have to suck it up and sit back in silence because it’s not even safe for me to fight for myself.

And it makes me realize that maybe, just maybe, this is what it feels like to be an intersectionally marginalized person being pushed out by the mainstream activists.

No. Your struggle doesn’t have to be solved before mine can be addressed. Yes, we can ALL demand equality and strengthen each other in our fight. Yes, we do share common ground that could bring us together if we so chose.

It’s just easier to be insular… even if other people’s insularity is what you’re already fighting against.

And so… I go on… being illegal… hoping someone else, somewhere, has the position to fight my fight for me, because I can’t fight it myself.