Boot Camp
So… best laid plans and all that. Yesterday was a shit show. Clearly I didn’t post. I had a family thing for half the day, and the other half the day I basically went into full eating disorder mode (Sir wouldn’t let me look up medical procedures on the internet, so… where’s my anxiety going to go?? FOOD!)
I also had an anxiety attack and two panic attacks (yeah, they’re different… another post, another day.)
I fell into bed last night feeling completely miserable and cried on Sir’s chest for about twenty minutes. He thinks there was also some hormone crap going on, because, I was seriously, just weepy. And eating everything sweet I could get my hands on.
So, today, we did Boot Camp, again.
This is boot camp.
On Friday, Sir stayed home from work, today he was just home. Starting when we got up, he basically gave me tasks to do. All day. With a timer. We got up, and he said, “Go downstairs, feed the dog, open the dog door, do your stretching, and come back upstairs. You have twenty minutes. Go.” And he’d sit there with the timer on his phone and I’d go do all the tasks and come back.
Then he’d give me new ones. “Now, you will go in the bathroom, take your pills, take a shower, shave, dry your hair, put on makeup, and come back in here. You have thirty minutes. Go.”
And that was my entire day.
Friday I was fucking exhausted. And it wasn’t like he was asking me to do anything exceptional. I did my morning routine (feed and walk the dog, yoga, shower, dress, breakfast, pills) and I almost collapsed. Sir let me take long breaks, like an hour or two, but just getting through that morning routine was so exhausting, I spent the first half hour of my break just staring at the ceiling (despite being allowed to play games on my phone or watch TV during my break time…)
On Friday, in addition to morning routine, I pooper scooped the dog yard, did two loads of laundry, did the dishes, vacuumed the bedroom, went to the grocery store, and made a dessert (for the family gathering on Saturday.) Oh, and I posted a blog post. By bedtime I was WIPED. And… I had multiple hour-long breaks during the day. And… the time limits Sir gave me weren’t unreasonable. It was never as if I had to run to get things done, I just had to… not stop and get distracted by my phone… Yet, I was so physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day, it was ridiculous. Sir said this is evidence that my body is still healing and I need to keep that in mind.
So today… Boot Camp again. Morning routine. Dog walk (a mile today). Dishes. Cleaned my bathroom and the boys’ bathroom (which hardly counts because it’s actually clean anyway). Made a dessert (for us this time). Sorted out the week’s pills. Ordered new pills. Folded and put away laundry. Cleaned off the dining room table (I’d taken it over with crap and pill bottles). Retrieved (and sorted) the mail. Vacuumed the bedroom. Blog post.
I’m less exhausted today. I didn’t do any shopping today which helped, I think. But I walked the dog three times, a mile, and two 3/4 mile walks. I think my body is healing. Slowly.
But tomorrow Sir has to go to work.
I’m not sure I can function on my own.
Sir is leaving me a list of things to get done.
He’s leaving consequences if I don’t get them done.
But I am not at all sure that is going to be enough structure to help me survive. It isn’t that I just don’t WANT to do the work (although I feel like it is at the time and guilt myself about it). It’s that… I’m really not able to keep myself focused without Sir there noticing when I get overwhelmed (like by cleaning the bathroom) and breaking the task down, sometimes multiple times, and repeating it (clean the mirror, pick up the glass cleaner, spray the mirror, get the paper towels, wipe the mirror. No. Wipe the mirror. Leave the shower alone. Wipe the mirror.)
My OCD has been sucking, too. Tonight I became completely fixated on the vision of R-dog slipping his leash and running into traffic and getting killed. Like, my brain had the whole thing on infinite loop with every gory detail in close up. Which made me twitchy and anxious and desperately need to Google medical procedures (because… my OCD is broken and my soothing compulsions actually make me more anxious… I used to count. Why can’t I just have a counting compulsion again???)
But… today is… overall… better than yesterday. Well… immeasurably better than yesterday.
And we found a gluten/dairy free bakery that has mostly egg-free stuff. Sir says we can get bagels on Tuesday. BAGELS!
Yeah. Fuck Keto is still in full swing.
I just realized that writing here makes me feel strangely lonely…Â Like I’m in a house, at night, with the lights on, and no curtains…Â I know there are people out there, looking in, watching me, yet, I can’t see them, or talk to them, or interact with them…
Blogging is weird.
I appreciate it. But it’s weird.
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