BDSM
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Responsibility
A recent conversation with a friend revealed a common assumption and misconception about how my relationship with Sir (or any similar dynamic) works. It’s a misconception that even exists among people who do this thing that we do. And that is a dangerous thing. I have since heard this false assumption from two other people who should actually know better. And that pisses me off. So, let’s get this straight. I am responsible for my own actions. Period. The end. I am an adult. I am capable of making my own decisions about my life. I am responsible for making those decisions and handling the consequences of those decisions. I…
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Maintenance
In our conversation I told C that Sir is starting maintenance. He’s planning a week, we’ll see if things are stable by next Wednesday. C was unfamiliar with the term, and logically associated it with a car. Which, surprisingly, surprised me into laughter. I’m not sure why that association hadn’t already been at the front of my mind. Why I hadn’t anticipated that confusion and made a different choice than use the term without explanation. Another moment of failed awareness in conversation. I’m doing a hell of a job this week. Maintenance spanking is a thing in some BDSM circles. It’s hotly debated in others. Derided in still others. Doing…
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Accidents Happen – SSC vs. RACK
We had a little accident last night. Considering I’ve been doing this thing with Sir for almost ten years, long before he was officially Sir, I think that’s a damn good track record! And we didn’t even have to go to the emergency room, unlike a certain Navy Seal who shall remain nameless. Ahem. It was my fault. It was really a freak set of circumstances, but, I was the reason I got hurt. Sir was using the wooden spoon. I got a cramp in my foot and dropped my knee literally mid stroke, which meant that instead of the broad side of the spoon, I got hit with the…
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Disconnect – Moments with Sir (sort of)
It’s Tuesday. Monday is somatic therapy night. Last week it was 6.5 hours of rolling flashbacks night. This week I came home armored with Ativan and Zyprexa prescriptions. My doctor is pulling out the big guns. My Fitbit recorded a flashback a few weeks ago. I was taking my PTSD meds at the time. My heartrate still managed to go from 64 to 220 in minutes. With alpha-1-adenergic antagonist in my system. So, basically, a drug was actively suppressing my body’s ability to chemically create a fear response and I still managed to jack my heartrate over 300%. Go me! So, I went to somatic therapy yesterday. I had a…
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Against the Walls – Moments with Sir
Sir and Sub Brother have been home for a few days. It’s been nice to have them back. But it is also lonely because it feels as if my issues are walls that keep us all separated from each other. Tonight, I took my meds early, took several deep breaths, and then asked Sir to play. I expected him to say, “no.” He’s relaxed the “no touching” rule since they’ve come back, but… play is a whole other level of… potential landmines. Instead he asked me to sit and had me explain my feelings and thinking to him. I squirmed and stammered and blushed a lot. It was uncomfortable to…
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Moments with Sir – Punishment Paddling
The light glints off the black case of my phone. Â I wonder at the absurdity of the mundane things my mind fixates on in these moments… Â The light on the logo of my cell phone case… The small scrap of paper on the desk. Â The reflection, warped by the facets, in the empty water glass. I should be scared. Â I can feel something, deep in my belly, like a snowstorm cold and blowing, but it is as if I am watching it from indoors. Â Watching through thick windows and sturdy walls, hearing only the faintest murmur of its roar, feeling nothing of its cold. I hear Sir move behind me…
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Protect the Property – SJP
I found some prompts for submissive journaling – Submissive Journal Prompts (SJP). Â I don’t know how often I’ll do one or even if I’ll manage to be mature enough to do more than one before I have a tantrum and refuse to write to anyone else’s demands (ahem, not you, Sir!) Â But, I’m giving it a try. This prompt came from a blog called Submissive Circle. Â I just found it on a Google search and don’t read it. Â It looks like it hasn’t been active for a while, but, hey, I know how THAT goes! Â But there are a few prompts that didn’t seem too horrible for me to mangle…
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Moments with Sir – Can’t?
Sir recently discovered that my new blog theme has emoji buttons at the bottom of posts and decided to go through all of my posts and “like” them with the emoji buttons. I found this both silly and mortifying and, without thinking said, “No, you can’t…” Â I caught myself and stopped, but… not soon enough. Sir looked at me. Â He wasn’t angry, I could see the faint glimmer of amusement in his eyes, but he raised his eyebrow and turned in the office chair to face me fully. “I what?” “Nothing…” “I can’t?”
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Mistakes – SFD #4
“What were you going to say?” His voice is gentle, one hip is cocked against the counter top, his arms are folded loosely over his chest, all outwardly relaxed, casual. She feels her breath catch in her chest and her eyes widen. “I’m sorry.” He tilts his head slightly. “Oh? Are you apologizing or was the end of that sentence really going to be ‘because I’m too…I’m sorry’?” She feels her skin wash with a flush of heat, followed by a chill. Her heart is thumping wildly, high in her chest. Her tongue flickers over her lips, and her eyes skitter over his chest, unable to find a safe place…
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Moments with Sir…and Sub Brother
It’s been pointed out to me by someone recently that I rarely talk about sub brother, while I talk about Sir a lot. And I’ve been thinking about my response to that, and thought about making in a blog post. So during dinner I brought it up to sub brother and asked him if he would feel uncomfortable if I wrote about him on my blog. He gives me a wide-eyed look and asks, “Me? Why do you want to write about me?” “Because, you’re important to me, you’re my partner and my friend and… I write about Sir all the time, but I hardly say anything about you.” “Well,…