Personal Journal
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Maintenance
In our conversation I told C that Sir is starting maintenance. He’s planning a week, we’ll see if things are stable by next Wednesday. C was unfamiliar with the term, and logically associated it with a car. Which, surprisingly, surprised me into laughter. I’m not sure why that association hadn’t already been at the front of my mind. Why I hadn’t anticipated that confusion and made a different choice than use the term without explanation. Another moment of failed awareness in conversation. I’m doing a hell of a job this week. Maintenance spanking is a thing in some BDSM circles. It’s hotly debated in others. Derided in still others. Doing…
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Crash
I was doing better mood-wise for a couple of weeks. I was in that sweet spot where I seemed to have enough energy and enough motivation to get things done every day. I was making a to-do list and doing most of it. I was being gentle with myself on the things I didn’t accomplish. All of my therapists thought I was doing so well and really on the “road to recovery.” But there was a little niggling thought at the back of my head that reminded me that this was probably a false positive. This probably wouldn’t last. Then, for the past several days, my energy has become more…
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Broken Toys
In the kink world the implements are called “toys” and that’s the terminology we use around here, but we don’t always “play” with our “toys.” Indeed, that is a very specific type of interaction and probably the one we do least frequently (don’t feel bad, we’re good with this!) Punishment can mean a lot more than impact (spanking, paddling, etc.) but for this discussion I’ll be referring to impact activities. What happens most frequently is punishment (yes, actual punishment, as in, if I never earned another punishment for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be sad about it!) or maintenance which isn’t exactly punishment, but it’s pretty similar and…
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Embarrassed and Ashamed
There are things I don’t write much about, even here. At lunch today, Sir asked me about one of them. I told him it was because I’m embarrassed and he asked if I’m embarrassed or if I’m ashamed. I’m not sure I completely know the difference… which is embarrassing (I think). So he gave me homework to look up both words and see what I can come up with as definitions, then write about it and the topic he asked me about at lunch (sigh). I think the most useful defining feature I found in my Googling was this – shame is the feeling that you’re doing something wrong or…
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Into the Wood Chipper
Note: This went dark fast, so… content warning? It gets graphic and ugly. Also, I do understand that there is a difference between being assaulted by someone with bad intentions and being assaulted by someone with good intentions… I just don’t care. Everyone seems to feel that it is extremely relevant to consider the intentions… but as I used to tell Michael. If you run over me with your car, whether you meant to do it or not has shit all effect on my broken arm. It’s Monday. It’s trauma therapy night. For the past two days I settled into a place of absolute emotional nothingness. Not depression, as I’ve…
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Sleepless
I didn’t post yesterday. I never went to bed. I stayed up for over 36 hours, and finally Sir forcibly drugged me to get me to go to sleep. He is blaming our dynamic. I’m too tired to argue with him, but I don’t agree. Punishment had me getting in bed by midnight or earlier, and it was improving every day. Two days with family, and joining a BDSM group on Facebook sent me into a literal death spiral. Family is draining, but I think the real culprit is the FB group. I was in it for just over 24 hours, and in that time became severely depressed, confronted several…
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Success. Yay?
I stayed up past my bedtime last night. Again. This daily blogging is going to be really easy if I keep this up, I’ll just copy and paste the post from the day before. I got spanked. Again. I was only 20 minutes late last night, and Sir says that’s a big step, it’s been 4 or 5 hours late. It was still a failure. I still got punished. Because I convinced him to keep our dynamic going. I could tell he really didn’t want to do it last night. I could feel him hesitate before he started. He said he was trying to avoid the worst bruises. The WORST…
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Telling Truths
After posting last night, after cuddles and forgiveness and panic over a mark… There was a general consesus that it was bedtime. I picked up my phone. I dont know what’s wrong with me. I don’t think I’m trying to be bad. I don’t think I’m trying to get in trouble. I just… do things. I know I have ADHD, but I’m not usually this level of completely dysfunctional. So Sir swatted me and took it away and sent me to brush my teeth. I came out of the bathroom, Sir was helping SB in the other bathroom, I picked up my phone again. Fifteen minutes later, Sir and SB…
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The Center Cannot Hold
It was a three-doctor week, this week. Trauma therapy, psychotherapy, psychiatry… I had flashbacks for six hours on Monday night. They would stop then start again within 5 – 10 minutes. For six hours. I literally begged Sir to kill me. My psychiatrist suggested I don’t process as much trauma during trauma therapy. I explained to him that my trauma therapy consists of resting my hand on a pillow, squeezing play-dough, and imaginging walking on a beach… I’m not sure how much less trauma processing I can do in trauma therapy. I feel like my mind is unraveling. I’ve developed a stutter. It’s been getting worse for weeks, but this…
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Third Try…
Sir wants me to try this again. It’s evening now. I talked to my best friend, S, for a long time this morning and it helped for a while. But, ultimately, what’s wrong with me can’t be talked through or reasoned through or… anythinged through. I am perfectly aware that my feelings are irrational, illogical, not based in reality… at least not in the reality anyone else around me experiences. In spite of that knowledge, they have complete power over me. And I’m tired of feeling like a failure for not being able to reason my way out of them. I feel like I’m under assault, under attack, in a…
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