Current food inventory of our kitchen: Freezer: 4 pounds of chicken 2 pounds of ground beef 2 bags of frozen mixed veggies 1 bag of frozen spinach Refrigerator: 1 package of baked tofu 1/2 package of bacon 1/2 pound of brussel sprouts 1/2 pound sauerkraut 1 box of coconut milk 1-1/2 packages of chicken sausage 2 cups of leftover gravy 1/2 bag of flax seed 1/2 bag of hemp hearts Pantry: Beef and chicken boullion 1 box of chicken broth 4 tins of  canned chicken 1 tin of sardines 3 freeze-dried backpacking meals 1 jar of green chili 4 bags of shredded coconut 1/2 bag of almond flour 1/2 bag…

I’ve had four panic attacks tonight – each has been worse than the last, and the first was worse than any I’ve had in years. Right now I’m calm but feel literally wrung… like my body has been twisted and squeezed. I deleted all of Michael and Ryan’s emails tonight.  I hadn’t been saving them nostalgically, just hadn’t bothered to deal with it… and the few times I’d tried to deal with it, there were too many memories and it was too triggering. Tonight it was still triggering. I’m tired. I hate WordPress. They have so jacked up my domain transfer.  It’s ridiculous. Sir says it’s bedtime. Goodnight, world.  …

I had an interesting conversation with my therapist today.  Despite me explaining this dynamic multiple times over our years together, she has persisted in a misunderstanding of what a punishment dynamic means in my relationship. I don’t blame here, it’s not something she has any experience with. It’s not something it’s easy to find information about in our culture.  In fact, and I blame this for her (and many people’s) confusion… In our culture, “punishment” between consenting adults tends to be “”punishment” wink wink…  It’s a euphemism for sexy spanking or “naughty” bedroom games.  I’m not completely sure why “naughty” is associated with sexy… Holdover from Puritan rebellion?  Whatever.  It…

I had an interesting conversation with my therapist today.  Despite me explaining this dynamic multiple times over our years together, she has persisted in a misunderstanding of what a punishment dynamic means in my relationship. I don’t blame her, it’s not something she has any experience with. It’s not something it’s easy to find information about in our culture.  In fact, and I blame this for her (and many people’s) confusion… In our culture, “punishment” between consenting adults tends to be “punishment” wink wink…  It’s a euphemism for sexy spanking or “naughty” bedroom games.  I’m not completely sure why “naughty” is associated with sexy… Holdover from Puritan rebellion?  Whatever.  It…

I’ve fallen from grace… what little brief grace I had for a short time last week that I can vaguely remember when I felt pretty happy and my little world seemed relatively good and decent and warm and light. I knew it was coming, depression has been creeping in since the weekend, but I forgot my sleep pills last night… which technically aren’t sleep pills, they’re brain pills, so I still sleep without them, but I do this really weird constant REM sleep… I don’t cycle into deep sleep, so I spent about eight hours in this really exhausting, vaguely frantic, disruptive state… that I never fully wake up from,…

I read one of those feel-good articles the other day about a woman who suffers from depression.  One day her depression was bad and she asked her boyfriend to cancel their plans for that day and she curled up in bed.  Her boyfriend then did a series of silly, goofy, jokes that made her laugh and then she was able to get out of bed and take a shower. The moral of the story was her boyfriend was so nice and understanding of her depression, and helped her laugh and shake it off (somewhat), which is very nice, and clearly it worked for her. Two problems. First, in the comments…

The guys are back home again.  They have been in and out in the last two weeks.  It’s been weird, like… we had some time together for a few days before Christmas, then they went to California to be with Sir’s family, then they came back after Christmas for a few days before New Year’s, then they went skiing for a couple days over New Year holiday.  Then they were back for a couple days, then they went skiing again. It’s nice because they connected with some people who have a condo so they can afford to go skiing a little more and Sir has been able to take some…

I’ve been rewriting my Tem and John stories (singular at the moment, because I’m still working on the first one).  I’ve made this attempt more than once, but this time feels more successful than the past ones. However, here’s the rub. I’m not sure why I am doing it. Somehow, in my mind, I feel that if I’m going to redo them there has to be some purpose, so I get in my head that I have to sell them.  So as I’m writing, I’m constantly thinking about whether or not I’m doing well enough to sell my writing… Which is stressful and horrible, but, of course, I’m obsessive so…

So… it was sort of a shit day.  But not actually as bad as it could have been. I’m flying solo at the moment, the boys are on a two-night skiing trip – which is awesome for them, they’ve gone three times since Thanksgiving, and Sir, in particular, seems to really need these breaks to deal with life being crappy for him right now… so I’m really happy that they have this opportunity through some lucky happenstances. But it feels a little weird to be alone in the house.  And… for the first time in… well… since 1999, I am completely alone – not even an animal companion. So, the…

So, our morning argument, because that is now apparently a thing, was all about blowjobs and cunnilingus.  You know, just to totally fuck up my Friday. Thanks, Sir.