Coming Clean

I have been pushing against more than my usual resistance lately, but apparently still determined to try to keep up this daily writing for some reason, so maybe it will help if I come clean about what’s been going on…

In addition to my other health problems, a new one has developed.  It is… disrupting my life significantly, and is going to require invasive medical tests and interventions – I’m not sure the extent, yet.  But it has been emotionally overwhelming and triggering a lot of PTSD on top of the medical issues.

Sir is concerned and also trying to be gentle with my emotional state.  I know he wants to move faster with the doctors and tests than I do – I have moments when I think I’d rather just die than deal with this problem, but… I probably won’t choose that route.

Things just feel… overwhelming and… dark.  It’s like a shadow that never quite leaves me.  Even when I’m busy with work or projects that can usually distract me – I feel a depression of my energy and a coldness that doesn’t quite leave me.

We took care of a lot of odds and ends today, trying to narrow down the scope of my daily living so I can manage day to day…  Paid bills, did taxes, organized paperwork, prepped some meals, etc.

We have a few more things on the list for tomorrow.  It does help slightly to feel all of the loose ends tying off even while one giant, untieable loose end remains looming over me.

My therapist wants me to sit with my uncertainty and anxiety… rather than trying to escape it – since I can’t anyway and I’m just becoming self-destructive trying to avoid my feelings.

I don’t know if this is doing any good, but… if something is going to go seriously wrong with my life, I guess… I do want to live the life I have as free as I can, not… running from demons.

So…

I’m still writing.

Maybe I can do it better after this…

 

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