Decisions

I haven’t been sleeping well. For a while. Probably why I got sick… and now… mania…

It’s been coming on for a couple days now that I look back at it. And the drugs for the asthma… trigger me… and not sleeping… and beginning work… and so much… stimulation.

Today I had to work on the computer and I forgot to wear my blue light lenses and I can’t type fast enough right now to keep up with myself, I keep messing up my typing and I type really fast anyway, I just… running a little faster than my fingers can move right now…

I got my blue light glasses now.

Sir doesn’t know I’m in here.

I’ve done all the right things. Except this… and working all day… but I had to work. But I forgot my glasses. But everything else right. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t realize until tonight when Sir started saying really short commands, just one at a time. He said three, then a minute later he just said one. Then he took my arms and he turned me around and said just the one again. Then he grabbed me again and said the one thing again… and then he had to help me do it… Then I realized. I realized only then I’m slipping and then like that was cartoon character that ran off a cliff looking down and suddenly recognition makes gravity kick in, I realized and now I’m falling.

I’m going faster and faster and there is a knot in my stomach where my fear should be that I’m going to hit the ground eventually… at terminal velocity… but it’s just a pain in my stomach, I can’t feel the fear. A pain in my stomach and pressure at the back of my throat but all I feel is buzzing… like I’m… electric.

I’m still sick. My chest hurts when I breathe. When I walk up the stairs my heart pounds. I have a headache and a backache. But… I feel like I’m vibrating inside. Sick and vibrating.

I’m going to crash soon. I can feel it already crawling up the back of my brain like black ink shadow claws.

A friend of mine has bipolar, too. He is very political, he has a podcast about bipolar, he… discusses it. I was discussing it with him tonight. It made me want to share my blog with him! I thought, he could read this! He totally understands.

Sir said, “He understands what?”

“BIPOLAR!”

Sir says, “Does he know about your relationships?” He means my submission, his dominance, our… unusual habitation… all the things that make me a freak BESIDES my bipolar

“No…” it slows me down a little. But I’m so speedy, I start filling up again with energy. “But he’d be okay with it! And even if he didn’t really get it, he wouldn’t out me, I trust him!”

Sir nods, but I can see that thing in his eyes, like he’s humoring me, but it’s not quite like that, it’s more… like… he’s stepping away from me in his head. It’s his “Shadow is being bipolar” face. It’s his worried look that I’m going to do something I’ll regret because my brain just lost it’s brakes… and steering… and… judgment of any kind.

“Maybe you can think about it for a few days, first…”

I don’t want to think about it. I want to DO it. NOW! He takes away my phone so I can’t… He thinks I’m in my wrong mind. With no brakes. No steering.

Just a cliff and empty air until I look down and I start to fall.