Forced writing again.  Because if I didn’t already hate writing, THIS is going to totally make  me break into cold sweats for the rest of my life about it.  He says talk about my anger.  My therapist keeps saying that, too, what the fuck?  Why the fuck does everyone fucking think I’m fucking angry???????  

Okay I might be angry RIGHT NOW, but that’s because stupid people are stupid!

Shut up.  I can see the irony just fine.

So today I get a message on my phone, since I pretty much only use my computer for school work anymore, I haven’t even logged into my private email except to write R and MJ for about five minutes each time…  So I get a message on my phone that I have a Facebook message (which I also only access through my phone, I don’t even remember my password, so I only log in on my phone.  And I hate typing on my phone so I log in about once a blue moon and like some pictures and then log out because it doesn’t require any typing that way.)

So I have a message from a person I’m casually friends with.  We were in a class together, we’ve hung out twice (TWICE) in the last three years… Casual friends.

So now I’m knee deep in my fucking thesis class which is STUPID AND INSANE AND MAKES ME CRY OUT OF FRUSTRATION AT THE INSANE DISORGANIZATION OF IT ALL!  I barely leave my house, DJ has scheduled my phone to remind me to shower and eat… This has become my life right now…  I have four more weeks of it.  Then I can have another nervous breakdown.  I’m looking forward to it.

And I get this message from this person I’ve hung out with twice saying – “I don’t know if you don’t like me anymore, but if you still like me you can contact me because you have all my numbers and myriad ways to get in touch with me, and I’ll just assume you don’t like me anymore if you don’t use all the ways you have to get in touch with me to hang out with me.  You can just unfriend me if you want.  I won’t cause any drama.  If you don’t like me anymore just unfriend me.”

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I totally have crazy “you hate me don’t you??” moments.  But I don’t spill them on random people I am barely friends with!  Are you serious?  I didn’t want to unfriend you BEFORE, but I kind of want to NOW!

I am drowning in my own fucking life!  I don’t need psycho “You hate me don’t you?  Just admit it!” guilt trips from random people I hardly knew in the first place!

I’m just trying to not fucking die!  The fact that I’m not all “Yay, let’s go drink beer and karaoke” has nothing to do with not liking people.  It has to do with I’m not a natural extrovert.  Being around people does not replenish my energy, it depletes it.  I have a small little tight circle of people who don’t drain me, and when things go bad, I pull inward.  And even that tight little circle I barely keep in touch with.  If D wasn’t forcing me to write here I’d only interact with him.  AND that’s only because he’s obnoxiously big and hard to avoid when he plants himself in the doorway and won’t move until I talk to him about things.  >:(

I don’t have any extra energy to burn on going out and being sociable with people I’m not close to.  That TAKES ENERGY for me.  It is something I do because I need balance in my life, it’s even something I enjoy sometimes, but it is an energy drain.  Right now I have no disposable energy to drain.  I need everything I have just to survive this dark time right now.

I was in a mixed state, then I was rapid cycling, now, apparently, all of that has exhausted the fuck out of my brain and I have hit hard bottom depression for the last two days.  Fuck, CRYING is the highest point of my days, that’s when I actually have enough energy TO cry.  Most of my day I just slump, lower and lower, sliding down in my chair, trying to care… about anything… trying to tell myself if I let myself fail this class I’ll regret it later, but I DON’T CARE RIGHT NOW…  And I don’t care about what I will feel later because… I don’t have caring feelings!

And when I do have caring feelings, all I feel is alone and sad and miserable and isolated.  And then I sink down further and I just feel like lead.  I feel like a rag doll filled with buckshot.  And I have to somehow still keep doing things.  And for fuck’s sake, socializing with people I don’t care about is not going to make the cut of things I have to make myself do before I can let myself fall into bed and escape into some brief oblivion.

And no, this person doesn’t know I’m depressed.  But she DOES know I’m in my last class and writing my thesis.  So for fuck’s sake, cut me some slack!  The little energy I have is going to the people I’m closest to, and they’re barely getting five words from me…

Hell D LIVES HERE and barely gets five words from me and most of them are curses because he won’t let me curl up and die!

Well, I’m out of anger now.  Back to dead buckshot-filled nothing.

D has been putting schedules and tasks on my phone and it beeps to tell me what to get done next.  I’ve only done four things today.  I’m supposed to take a shower.  I’m…  10 hours overdue according to the schedule.

I guess I’ll try to do that.  It’s like crossing a dessert to just get into the shower.  Nobody ever understands.  I have to stand up.  I have to walk into the next room.  I have to find a towel.  I have to take off my clothes.  I have to go into the bathroom.  I have to turn on the water.  I have to wash myself and shampoo and condition my hair.  I have to get out again. I have to dry off.  I have to towel my hair.  I have to comb my hair.  I have to blow dry my hair.  I have to put on new clothes.

And then it will practically be three hours until bedtime anyway.

Why would I do ALL of that work for being clean for three hours.

Everybody is going to think I’m crazy for saying all that is WORK, but I really think that people should have the experience sometime of being depressed.  It really can’t be duplicated exactly because it would require actually changing someone’s brain chemistry.  But you could get part of the feeling by putting on a weighted suit.  Try putting 100 pounds strapped onto your body and then see how it feels to do things…  And that’s with your brain still fully functional.  Depression is like having a hundred pounds of sand strapped to every part of your body.  And then grieving on top of it.

So pardon me for not jumping all over the “Let’s have beer and karaoke night with people I have to smile for.”

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