Disconnect

I’ve been having some trouble with my submission lately.

It happens now and then I guess, but I never remember that the next time it happens and get stressed about it all over again.

I feel disconnected from my submissive feelings.

On Facebook there used to be heated arguments over the phrase “feel submissive” because someone would come along and ask “Do you always feel submissive or does it come and go?” and people would get all high and mighty and say, “I don’t FEEL submissive, I AM submissive…”

And… sigh… people.

I got what those first people were asking because there are two parts to this. First, I AM a submissive, so I am in that role all the time. Second, I FEEL more or less identified with my role at different moments. Just like I’m a daughter all the time, but I feel more or less identified with daughterhood depending on the circumstances. I am a sister all of the time, but I don’t really think about it because it isn’t always relevant. I’m a partner in this relationship, and I fucking well have moments when I don’t particularly feel like being a part of this relationship… that doesn’t change the fact that I am one. But I can have FEELINGS about it that change. So I think it’s stupid that people jump all over people asking that question.

Yes, I FEEL submissive or not sometimes. The thing is, I still have to act on my submission whether or not I feel it. Lately, I’ve been not feeling it.

And it sucks, because it’s so much harder when you don’t feel it!

I became afraid the other night that I only really felt it with Michael and I don’t with Sir, and that… that… has some meaning or something. But today Sub Brother talked to me about his feelings that can be stronger or weaker and that he thinks that is true for a lot of subs that… life happens… your hormones happen, your sleep gets messed up, you get stressed, you haven’t been eating (ahem), you go back to work, life comes along and feelings aren’t consistent.

When Sir came down on me about my eating, I looked for my place inside myself where I could soften to him. Where I could… breathe and let him be right and let myself be in that place in my head and my body where… it just… feels right… to obey, to submit, to accept punishment, to wear his collar… that place of resonance inside of me.

Not that being punished is ever pleasant, but it can be… right. It can resonate as a truth deep inside of me, it can make me feel that the world fits together, that… there is… accordance.

But I couldn’t find that. I felt.. dischordant. I felt like jagged pieces that couldn’t fit together. I gritted my teeth and I did it because it is my place and my role and my choice in this family and I know… in my head… it’s right and it’s what I want in my relationship. But my heart was somewhere fucking else.

And it still is.

I don’t feel defiant. I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel… anything.

I feel nothing.

Like my submissive feelings got walled off like Fortunato.

I ate dinner because Sir told me to. Because that’s what I do. I do what Sir tells me to do. Like a robot, programmed.

I worry slightly (I don’t have much emotional range right now) that I am so ashamed of the submission I gave to Michael that I’m struggling to go as deep for Sir. That I am… too ashamed and have lost too much trust to go that far… ever again.

Or… that because I’m not in love with Sir, I maintain more control over myself. That being in love is… inherently… to be made foolish… for me.

Sir says I’m fine and everything will get back to normal eventually. I just can’t remember it right now.

But see, I’m not submissive enough to trust him right now.

So I think about… dying.