Documenting Madness

I don’t know if you can document your own madness… Isn’t it one of those… thought… exercises… I won’t delete anything here, I need to document my thinking… I can’t remember words. It’s been happening for a few weeks, it’s getting worse… I think I start saying something then I can’t think of the word, even really simple words like… I can’t think of a word I can’t think of… that would be…. um… I can’t think of the word for that… But I can’t tell you what the word is I can’t think of because I don’t know what it is because it is locked in my brain. Usually I can fake it so nobody notices I quick change what I meant to say or I say a… a… synonym. I lost that one for a minute but now I remember it. Sometimes I can get them if I give it a second, sometimes they are all the way gone, like the word for… for… if you can’t… I would normally delete a lot writing this. It’s how I fake it so nobody know.

I think… I feel like it might be important to document this now I think I might be having a psychotic break… maybe getting close… you don’t know you’re psychotic when you’re psychotic, that’s what delusions are… I might be having delusions. M said I was delusional. But he was angry we were fighting so maybe it was cause he was angry people say things when they are angry but they aren’t always true things like psychiatric diagnostic true. But maybe it was true. I don’t know how to know because he was angry when he said it… I think that is…bias…I forgot the word… for in an experiment if your variable…it isn’t…only one variable…observer bias…that isn’t right that is something else… it is too many…. I don’t know if I should count that I have delusions based on what M said. But I shouldn’t discount it totally because if I am having delusions I can’t…I have…bias…

I googled. Google is good for some things. I looked up psychosis. I don’t think you can know when you have psychosis because that is what psychosis is it’s not having any anchor left in reality I feel like I have half an anchor… maybe I have two eyes and one eye is in psychosis and the other eye is trying really hard to look at the first eye to see what is happening to it, but the first eye keeps trying to pull the second eye into the party with it… I’m trying to stay out of the party. I think if I fail it will be important my friends can see this they will give it to the doctors I like to be helpful for doctors I always document my symptoms I am a responsible patient. Maybe it will be interesting if I am on the edge of psychosis maybe it is interesting like seeing inside a tornado. This is what it is losing your mind.

I googled… psychosis… it said it can be brought on by stress… I have had a lot of stress. Maybe I have more stress than ever n my life. My therapist said I am so healthy right now, last week she said… I am so healthy… but I think healthy people get psychosis if you put enough stress. I think. Wikipedia says… it can be… organic or situational.. maybe that wasn’t wikipedia maybe it was something else… I don’t know… what am I talking about? Psychosis do you want to know what it is like inside the tornado? My good eye can tell you. Wait I was talking about… Wikipedia… wait… healthy people… get stress bereavment love… love of a berea… love of a lossed…bereavement of a lost one… loved one… grief. I’m like Porky Pig! Buh dup buh dup that’s all folks. No… I will tell you with my good eye…

Bereavment can cause a psychotic episode and you don’t have to be sick just very stressed you can see hallucinations, I have been seeing hallucinations, I don’t want my doctor to know that part… They will get agitated and put me on the meds I don’t need because it is okay to see dead loved ones if it is grief that is okay it isn’t psychosis but… other… but the stress… the stress can cause psychosis and bereavment is stress lots of stress. I have lots of stress.

My blood pressure is too high. And I started getting weird feelings in my skin in my arms and my face and my hands and my arms they get tingling and pressure, it is in my scalp and my arms and my face and neck… I looked it up it can be anxiety attacks. I don’t feel scared I always thought anxiety was feeling scared about things, I just feel it when I am… angry or sad or something bad happens. Bad things keep happening over and over.

Oh persuction delusions. It says that psychosis has persecution delusions. I think M said that is what I have. He didn’t say those words, he said I was paranoid. He said some things. I can’t remember them. I was trying to explain things to him but… my thoughts are really hard to… to make sense lately… I try really really really hard to make it all fit together and make sense. I think that is psychosis too, disorganized thinking.

My good eye can tell you now. Disorganized thinking… and speech… that is the worst thing because… I had it when I was sixteen. I saw my dead cat. She walked across the floor and all the furniture I saw is all sliding across the floor, it was like a… a supernatural movie. The furniture didn’t really move, it was in my mind. I think part of me knew that at teh time so maybe you can be partly psychotic and partly not at the same time. Then I got worse I started… to talk… but I couldn’t remember what I was going to say… I’d start and I’d say a few words and I’d forget what I was talking about, so I’d try to think of what I’d just said so I could pick up the thread, but I couldn’t remember what I just said… I didn’t know where I was going or where I was coming from… Then I would try again and it would happen again. I felt scared and lost. It’s like walking on a road and suddenly the road in front of you turns into nothing, just an abyss, so you turn to run back where you came from and it dissolves into an abyss, too, and some part of you knows enough to be terrified and then the road under your feet turns into an abyss and you… don’t exist anymore… you don’t have any anchor to exist in relation to and then you don’t exist, like if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound if nobody is there to hear it? Do you exist if you don’t….have…I forgot what I was saying.

It’s easier to type because I can at least read what I’ve already written when I forget what I’m saying, but… things are really slippery right now. I can feel them getting more slippery, going through my fingers… thought thought thought… like picking up water, you can’t do it… you can’t pick it up, you have to make a cup and let it sit in your hand, but you can’t just grab it like a stick. That is psychosis. You try to pick up your own mind like a stick and it all goes through your fingers like water. Maybe if you are really quiet and still you maybe can pick up a little bit cause it’s like cupping your hand and letting it sit but sometimes you can’t even sit still because you start sitting still and then you don’t remember why you were sitting still…

Everybody thinks I’m so strong and smart. I am. But everybody… has breaking points… but I was sick all my life, in my brain, it was sick because doctors didn’t know… omg I had rice today… maybe rice is making me psychotic. No I had… I was… it was yesterday M said I was delusional. I can’t remember. I can’t remember the days. I feel… too much… stress I will fail… I feel… that is an anxiety attack. I read about it. I think I can have anxiety and psychosis at the same time. I think that thinking people are talking about me is psychosis, it is paranoia… but I think they are… it’s not paranoia if it’s actually happening. I read this other woman’s blog. She is a bitch but M still puts her in his friends and trusts her even though she lies about him and he was mad at her now they’re friends again she wrote she would talk to him about me privately. I didn’t make up that part. I deduced from that that they are talking about me privately. That isn’t paranoia that’s deduction.

Maybe paranoia can be without pscyhosis. Mabe but I think the thoughts … the disordered… the slipper the slippery is a bad sign. That is the sign I know best it is… one I know… I can’t know always if I am delusional because that is… the definition defining the definition thing I can’t remember axiomatic? Is that hte right word? I don’t know what that means anymore. It seems right.

Wikipedia said that loss of bereaved ones, losing a job, breaking up a relationship, any one of those can cause stress and cause psychosis. I lost four loved ones now… I am bereavment. and my relationship broke up. And… I ahve stress… I ahve so much stress I am haing tingly and pressure on my arms and chest but maybe that’s a heart attack. They said it can happen to my age. But I saw a video with a man with gray hair and he said it can be the body having symptoms because there is too much stress for it to handle.

You know what? I’m supposed to take B12 it is deficient for me. Stress uses more B12. Lack of B12 can cause psychosis and…neuropathy. I don’t think you get neuropathy in your head though.

J says I have an appointment in the morning, I will talk to my doctor for the psychosis. I think they think I have it too. I asked J he said he thinks maybe there is too much stress now and my body isn’t handling it he says maybe M saw it but he didn’t know what it was and maybe that is why I made M cry. I am so sad I am so so sad M… I love you. I… didn’t do the things you said I did, I didn’t in my head… I didn’t do them. I know I’m crazy. J says he thinks it is psychosis. I am going to the doctor tomorrow. I am so sad. I don’t want to hurt you and if I was delusional and I said the wrong things I was the wrong… I don’t think I said what you said… I didn’t mean what you said I meant. You don’t understand me. But I don’t understand me either I can’t remember what I said after I say it, I start to talk and then I forget the…beginning…and I forget the forward. I am doing this because then people can see it… This is inside madness.

I have to take B12 because I am deficient. Maybe I am psychotic because I don’t have B12. I told J that, he said he will give me a shot tonight. He is going to do two shots, I told him how long it was. He said I am still going to the doctor, I’d rather cancel. I don’t think I’m psychotic because I can remember what he said long enough to type it.

I feel like it is being in fog… Like… in San Fransisco. The fog moves and some parts are really thick and then there are thin parts and you can see for a little ways and then a thick part comes and you can’t see anymore. That is what this is… like standing in fog, in my brain, sometimes I can get very clear and I know what I am thinking and my memory works and I get very rational. I can feel it clearing right now. I can hear my own internal voice narrating and it isn’t so frantic now. I’m a little embarrassed to post this because it is embarrassing to be seen unpolished. I didn’t let myself hit delete this entire time. I will consider it an artistic exercise. Maybe it is a public service for people who don’t understand mental illness. Mind disease is how the mind functions, brain disorder is… how the brain functions… But it’s hard to always know where brain ends and mind begins, isn’t it? I have a brain disorder. It can cause mania and psychosis. But… sleep deprivation is another thing that causes psychosis, I’ve had that badly for a while… My brain disorder can cause psychosis but I don’t think this is the brain disorder, this is… mind… I recognize brain disorder and I would have felt it coming on… It would be ironic for me to have a psychotic break like an ordinary, non-brain-disorder person, wouldn’t it? Just because of stress and life circumstances… That would be ironic. The fog is getting a little thicker again. J says it’s time for shots and he thinks this is enough for the doctors to see if it comes to that..

That’s good, my arms are tired from typing. M says I type like a chihuahua on crack… He should feel the inside of my mind sometime… my typing is limited by the physical capabilities of my body… my thoughts can go way faster than my fingers… and he… always… misunderstands. He understands R. He always understands R and forgives him because he is crazy and he isn’t responsible. I’m always responsible. Even when I’m crazy. Nobody knows I’m crazy because i hide it so when it leaks around the edges everybody ascribes a different explanation instead of… psychosis. J sees quick when I am crazy. He doesn’t try to talk to me and make my… he doesn’t try to think I am me… he stops… he fixes the crazy then he talks to me. K too. They understand me. T understood me. Now he’s dead. K is going to die. I will be alone. Nobody will ever understand. Nobody else sees the lines between me and crazy. They think everything I say is me. They make explanations that make sense to them. They say… “You are mean, you are cruel, you are capricious, you do this and that on purpose…” I don’t. I don’t… I don’t do it on purpose. the fog is getting really thick. I keep stopping… I stare for a long time and I don’t move. That’s a bad sign. I read it on wikipedia. You can’t see the pauses here because… it is all writing and you only see it when it is done, not live action… J says I have to go he is going to roll my chair back he said save my work if I want it saved.

I think I…

I forget…

I will see my doctor in the morning. I should never love anyone. I should never be loved. People who love you they can’t see the lines between crazy and me… it’s easier if you have some distance. I keep thinking maybe I can be loved… I can’t. I’m not lovable. I will only cause pain. Dogs like that get put down. Maybe putting down humans should be looked at more closely.

J says say goodnight Gracie.

Goodnight.

(I actually know the show, that’s what she said…. Not like Michael Scott…)