Doing everything right…

And still failing.

I’m used to failing, that’s not new.  But I’m used to failing because I didn’t try.  Now I’m actually working really hard at things… and still failing.

I hate my class.  I hate teachers who don’t give clear expectations then mark you off for not meeting the expectations that they didn’t say they had but you were, nonetheless, apparently supposed to read from their minds and manifest their will in your work without anybody TELLING you what the fuck they wanted you to do!

I didn’t even rush through this assignment.  I did a rough draft and revised and did a final draft.  I did more than the other people in my class were doing, I thought I was doing well.  Then she docked me for not including something.  And I checked in all of the places the assignment was described.  I checked in all the rubrics for how the assignment would be graded… NOWHERE does it say we have to include that element.  I pointed this out and she said, “It’s common sense.”

So apparently… in addition to not being a mind reader, I’m just STUPID, because, of course, it’s common SENSE.

I hate her.  I hate everything.  I hate school.  I’m so overwhelmed I’ve been doing paperwork and trying to figure out this stupid online system for filing things and trying to get my license application through the state website also, and trying to fill out insurance for people who can’t get fucking insurance and I’ve been on hold and filling out forms and calling old insurance companies and digging out tax forms… for fucking TWO DAYS!

On top of that, I’ve been eating, cooking my meals, exercising, doing everything Sir would want me to do.

And I’m still failing.

He’s still sick and I haven’t talked to him.  Sub brother wrote a short thing yesterday that he’s improving but that’s all he said, we haven’t really talked for a few days cause he’s been taking care of Sir and trying to hold himself together with all the stress.

But of course I have gotten it in my head that they both are tired of me and I’m a horrible person and everybody hates me and life sucks… and I HATE my professor!

I’m not supposed to think people hate me.  Sir doesn’t like it.  Well, he doesn’t like me saying it.  I guess he can’t stop me from thinking it, though that would be his preference.

I’m having a bad day and I have nobody to talk to so I’m whining to the wide web.  You’re welcome.

I really miss my blade.

I have to go to the hardware store to get some things to do some projects on my to-do list, after I’ve wasted most of the day on stupid homework that I shouldn’t have even tried hard on cause she knocked points off anyway… And on stupid business crap that just feels like I’m drowning in paperwork and requirements and deadlines and I’m overwhelmed…  And all I want is to cut myself… make everything quiet and peaceful and calm… stop caring about anything, just… just… make it all go away.

But Sir would kill me.  Or, worse, dismiss me.  He might dismiss me anyway.  Being sick maybe he thought about it and decided he doesn’t want to deal with me or… it’s too much work… or… it’s against the bible… or… I don’t know…  I’ve been fighting this for three days…  I did okay for a couple days I was strong, then the doubts started creeping but I fought them off for another three days… but today… I give up.

I have to go the the hardware store and a little mutinous part of my brain says I could buy a new pack of blades…

I am trying to remember the paddle and being sore and… and Sir being angry and disappointed in me…  🙁  But the mutinous part of my brain is saying he’s going to drop me anyway…so who cares, right?  I have no evidence that he’s going to drop me.  It is just paranoid spinning in my brain, but it’s getting stronger and stronger and the voice of reason and rationality that says that I’m being paranoid and losing my grip is getting softer and softer.

I know I need to get a grip.

It’s just getting harder and harder…  I’m breaking into more pieces than I can keep hold of with just two hands…

I’ve eaten my lunch.  I’ve done all the paperwork I think I can do for a Saturday…everything else that has to be done requires phone calls during business hours.  So now I’m going to try to get the rest of my list done…  new porch lights so I don’t kill myself tripping over the steps in the dark which will be descending an hour earlier after Daylight Savings ends tonight…  A light for my damn closet so I can actually pick my clothes in the morning by sight rather than feel…  Cooking dinner…  I was going to prep two meals and put one in the freezer, but I think I’m going to say fuck it to that plan, I’m having a shit day I need a little slack.  I’ll just make one dinner so I have something to eat and I’ll make the extra tomorrow.

I’m going to go eat chocolate.

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