Drop
Well… let me preface all of this with… I think drop just hit me. Could be letdown from work, could be garden-variety bipolar depression, but seems likely that it’s sub drop from playing on Friday night… because… the timing fits… and… because… it seems the most… logical. And right now, I need this to have a reason. I need it to make sense more than bipolar can ever do.
So… this is drop. Probably for real, but definitely for my purposes. Drop.
Some people explain drop as… you body used up a huge amount of your happiness hormones and it is now depleted until it can make more.
I don’t know if I think that’s true, or if that’s even how a body can physically work. And… because I’m a total nerd, I just tried to research that. I wasn’t very successfull, but I didn’t try very hard. One pop-psych article I found, though, said that it’s possible that the abrupt cessation of stress hormones can lead to depressive letdown in many people (not just subs…) It also said that this can leave a person “questioning everything about their life”…
Check.
At least I’m normal.
I decided today that I don’t want to be a teacher anymore because I’m tired of hiding my life.
I became severely depressed because a friend on Facebook has been depressed and dealing with a separation from family, etc. And he’s been able to post about it on FB, and billions of people (he has a lot of followers who love him) have posted love and support… and I was envious because… he CAN post about his life on Facebook and I can’t. I have to filter everything.
And the place I don’t have to filter as much is here… where I talk to an invisible audience most of whom never respond and sometimes it feels like a weird Criminal Minds episode where I’m performing to a room full of mannequins or something… Or maybe more an Outer Limits episode, where I’m performing to a room full of live people, all wearing identical trenchcoats and mirrored sunglasses and expressionless faces.
And even here, I have to remain anonymous… I have to separate my lives at all times…
I realize the irony that I just posted a few days ago how much I love this blog and how it connects me to people…
I’m claiming drop.
Everything hurts. Everything sucks. I feel completely alone even being held. And how shitty is that? When what is wrong with you is so thoroughly and deeply wrong, the solution can literally be wrapped around you and you can’t take it in.
Sir says water and sleep.
I’m supposed to do what he says.
I don’t really care anymore, but I don’t guess I have anything more interesting to do at the moment. Although, sitting here and curling up in a ball and waiting to die sounds like a lot less energy than getting up, drinking water, and going to bed…
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