Food

I got in trouble today.

I haven’t really been eating enough.

Sir has historically been a little less hands on about my eating, I think, because of my eating disorder and it’s a more delicate area that I think he’s not been as sure of how his role should look in that arena.

I guess today he stopped caring about that.

It’s three days until the anniversary.

Maybe that’s why I’m so sad tonight.

Or that I pushed Sir until he got angry and scared.

Or that… my health is so messed up and I feel so overwhelmed.

Or that… I spent six hours on school work today and have at least that much to do again tomorrow.

Or… just… chemicals in my brain.

I had to eat two hot dogs for dinner.  Not with buns or anything, just two tubes of meat.  And some mustard.

Sir wanted me to eat an avocado, too, but I threatened to throw up and I cried a lot.  I wasn’t trying to be anorexic, I just sometimes can’t handle avocados.  I’m not sure why.  But I’ve always been that way.  Sir knows, so I think that’s why he let it go…  And there isn’t anything else in the house with fat, so… I’m off the hook tonight on two hot dogs.  I didn’t eat lunch.  I ate two chicken breakfast sausage links for breakfast.

And it feels okay.

It feels okay to eat less food.

It feels… comfortable…

And maybe that partly scares me, too.

It’s been so long since starving actually meant I lost weight that it had lost much meaning for me…  Controlling my food lost meaning… I weighed the same if I starved or binged and it all became much more meaningless.

It’s been… since… my teenage years that starving meant anything.

Since… I felt comfortable without food.

Since I got to that place where I stopped feeling hungry…  Where I stopped thinking about food… in fact, it’s easier now than it ever was even then.

And the easiness scares a part of me.

My therapist said I should talk to Sir about my food.

He’s been more caught up in other things, and I’ve been working again, so we aren’t eating all our meals together… and our schedules have been messed up… and he’s been stressed and hasn’t been asking me… and I haven’t volunteered the information… because … I’m a bad sub.

And my therapist said I should tell him.

I said I was okay and I didn’t really want to bring it up.

She said, “Yeah, I think you should tell him…”

We went about three rounds that way.

She had that voice.

The… this is serious voice…but I won’t tell you it’s serious cause it’s a therapist thing to not make drama around this… but it’s serious and I can’t let it go… voice…

I’m tired.

I might not be getting enough food…

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