Getting it back

I’ve been having a really hard time getting back into my writing routine since coming home from Europe. I’m sure at least part of that is getting back into work and that takes a lot of time and energy and writing starts getting back-burnered. Part of it is probably just mental exhaustion of my job. I put a lot of creativity and simply mental energy into my work and maybe it’s a finite resource…

But part of it, I think, is I got out of the routine and it took a shit ton of work to get myself into the routine. It took a lot of brute force for get myself to start writing SFD and Moments with Sir pieces… and even after I was doing them slightly more regularly, it was anxiety-provoking and stressful.

Since school has started, it’s gone back to solid brick wall levels of inability to produce.

I know I have a lot of reasons why writing is harder now than it was over the summer, but… I also think that I simply lost the routine and… I probably have to reach the point of admitting to myself that it’s going to take that horrible phase of brute force writing to get any of my creativity back. And that makes me sad and also stressed, because, God that phase was painful and awful.

I also feel as if… posting on my blog, even though its my blog, and not a publishing house, it feels… formal. It feels as if I post something it has to be at least semi-presentable. It has to have an arc. It can’t just be a random conversation in the middle of some unseen story arc the way I might do in my journal…

And I think that increases the pressure.

So… I guess… I either decide to continue to bear that pressure and force myself to write complete pieces.

Or, I… reframe my thinking about blogging to allow more experimental pieces to make it to public consumption.

At the moment, I’m not sure I can handle either.

I’m such a fucking masochist, I’m going to ask Sir to help.

It’s going to be painful.

Sigh.

Some days I really hate my masochism.