Getting What I Want

So… we had multiple momentous events this week and this weekend is celebration weekend. Last night the three of us did our own little thing at home. Today we met up with K and J and all went to Boulder for the day.

It was a nice day. Everyone got along. There was no drama and no issues. Which is unusual for us lately, K and Sir have had some weird ongoing tension for a while. And K and I have always had a kind of edgy humor/banter relationship.

The problem with living in edgy land, however, is it’s easy to step over the edge, and inevitably, for as fun as it is, someone gets hurt every so often. Usually it’s me.

But I still like our relationship, obviously, and it’s not always hurtful, and it isn’t even always edgy, we can both be really serious, and/or really soft with each other. He’s one of my closest friends and has been for over half of my life… I love him.

But lately things haven’t been quite as solid between us somehow.

We’ve been hurting each other more than usual.

And Sir and K have gotten into conflicts several times.

And I’ve talked to Sir and to J and to K… and K and J are going through some stuff in their lives. K is going through some stuff. And… I get it. I’m sure this phase will pass and all will be well again.

But I was getting pissed off at K pushing past the line several times recently.

Then, today, he didn’t.

He didn’t push any boundaries, he didn’t say anything inappropriate, he… didn’t even say anything edgy. He was… polite. He participated in the conversation. He chatted with me. He was… normal…

But he felt subdued. Like the little sharp edges that kind of make him… him… weren’t there. It felt… like he was being careful.

And it hurt.

I mentioned it to J, early in the day, and J said that it was because he’d beaten K that morning to ensure his good behavior during the day (after several incidents of not so good behavior when we’ve all been together.)

And that hurt, too.

And it wasn’t like K was acting sullen or withdrawn or resentful. Without being told I might even (maybe…) have missed the physical signs.

Really, I had no reason to… be unhappy… with K’s behavior today. Except… he wasn’t fully him.

Except, the fully him has been problematic lately and I’ve been angry at it. So I should be grateful for him being a little more tame for a day, right?

I got what I wanted.

Then had the grace to not like it.

Great.

I talked to Sir about it when we got home tonight, and he, obviously, thinks it’s not a big deal. He pointed out that maybe the edginess (as we’ve discussed before) that K has been showing lately is coming out of his anxiety and unhappiness, and maybe being beaten helped him feel more calm so that’s why he was more laid back today. Sir pointed out (and I know) that K didn’t seem unhappy or burdened or to be particularly holding himself back, he was just a little more mellow than he’s been lately.

I get that.

I get that I’m being immature and selfish and silly and wanting everything in the world to exactly meet my expectations at all times in all ways.

But I feel like I’ve done something wrong.

I feel like I’ve somehow made K change because I couldn’t handle who he was…

Sir says that’s not true or rational.

But when has that ever stopped me?