I slept with my ex…
Yep.
Sigh…
I guess I join the ranks of thousands with that statement… Millions? I thought only stupid people did stuff like this. How young and naive I was.
Everything is more complicated than I ever thought it was. I hate being so young in regards to relationships. My therapist says that I was dealing with so many other things PTSD and truama and my mental health that… developing romantic relationships has been a bit of a developmental delay… and I’m just now hitting some of the real “adult” issues that I haven’t handled before.
I’ve had other relationships. I even had one good one… it had always stood as the shining exception in my shitty relationship life.
I thought I loved some of the people I was with along the way. None were like K.. the shining exception, but being an exception, I didn’t really compare him to the rest. I loved some of them. But in retrospect it was a kind of shallow love, more junior high love than adult love.
All of those relationships ended, obviously, and there was always the pain and tears and angst and “I’ll never meet anyone else who will love me…” But with some time and distance that was always replaced with… “Even if I never meet anyone else, thank God I got out of that…”
This relationship was different. It was… complex… for various reasons… and… the first time I really gave my heart completely and wholly… to a man who could love it wholly and completely. And with that came… some drama. Panic. Pulling away. Pushing him. Not realizing that… he could love me as I loved him and not understanding that I could hurt his heart… I know that seems strange, but I never thought of him loving me as much I loved him. I always considered myself dispensable. But slowly, creepingly, both of us stumbling over our own issue and insecurities and finding out who we really are and how we fit together… we found each other. And we have come back again and again… difficulty after difficulty… when anyone else we probably would both have given up on. There is something strong that bonds us despite all our trouble and fear and pushing and pulling away from each other.
We love each other.
But we can’t be together.
There is… at least one insurmountable issue between us… and it really is insurmountable…
We tried being “just friends.” And truly, I don’t want to say that I am so weak that I can’t keep this great human being who I love in my life without being more than friends… I don’t want to say that. We don’t hate each other, we don’t make each other’s lives miserable, we are both good people who love each other… that isn’t someone to cut from your life… you cut the bad people, the poisonous ones, the relationships that aren’t really about love but some facsimile of it that disintegrates in the sunlight of reality once you are free of whatever spell held you together… But with him, that isn’t how it is…
But apparently being “just friends” ends up with sleeping together again and… and all the hurt and issues that come up again because of that… because we can’t be together. Because of the issue between us…
I don’t want advice, I already know it all. I’m wrapping myself in a little blanket of denial for a few minutes. I’ve had too much loss lately. I need to lie to myself on this one for a little while longer.
I guess I have too little practice with relationships that don’t make it to the “Thank God I got out of that” stage…
I guess that is sad, as it says that I never had any relationships that were actually good. Probably normal people have more than one of these before they find the one that doesn’t end… Several exes for whom their time together is a bright memory and the parting simply sad…
Or maybe not and this IS the relationship I was meant to fit with and someone with a cruel sense of humor threw this barrier between us.
It was more than just sleeping together. It was… It was more… Maybe I will find myself someday able to be simply grateful to have had that time with that person in that way… Even if I never meet anyone else… Maybe I can thank God that I have what we had together.
p.s. I actually had to ADD a “sex” tag for this post…Â What kind of crappy blog is this that hasn’t had a “sex” tag yet??
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