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A Shadow Life
So… I talk about it often but never do it. I probably should try NOT talking about it and ACTUALLY doing it… but… baby steps. I’m going to try to write more. Like… Every day. For a year. I don’t know why I decided to do this. It did lead to an interesting conversation with Sir and sub brother. They pointed out that a year seemed really ambitious and why didn’t I try writing every day for a week first… then I could extend my goals. But I felt that a whole week seemed way too overwhelming to commit to!
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Settling
Last night was, obviously, rough, but I talked to several good friends today and it felt so good to just… to reach out… and meet outstretched hands in return. Â It is still alien to me to share my feelings, to accept compassion, to… talk about… my real self. Â But it was positive and healing, and for those people and others who are probably wondering, I thought I would update today. Â Also, I’m trying to challenge myself to write every day. Â Writing a journal/blog post isn’t exactly my ideal of “writing every day” but I suppose when my baseline is “writing never” I will have to accept that any bar at…
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Living and Dying
It’s been, I just realized, 4 months plus since I last posted. Â I don’t even want to talk about it because it feels pointless to say anything else about it. In August I got a diagnosis for what has been going on with me for years. Â There were all these, “This is hopeful! Â Now we know what it is and we can fight it!” speeches. Â But I’ve heard those speeches too many times and I tried hard not to invest any hope in this new round. I wasn’t completely successful.
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Trying to get some damn work done…
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Perspectives
I had a rough day yesterday. I made some poor choices about caring for myself and my body. Last night I was punished for those choices. This morning I was… not punished really, because it wasn’t for something I did wrong, but… I was punished. Because I can’t use better words than that because I am still embarassed by this aspect of my life and my relationship. And isn’t that just sad?
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So… That happened…
Yeah. So. Life was sucking. Then a rapist bigot became the next president. I’m sure there have been other rapist bigots in the white house… but none of them quite so openly unapologetic about it. So… whole new world!Â
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Statuses I Can’t Post on Facebebook
Holy shit! Â I’m a slave and I just safeworded my Master…
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Recovery
So… Â I went on a little technology diet. Â And took sleeping pills. Â Appropriately, not like suicidally – it’s okay, I know I have to clarify things like this. Â Part of being a bipolar brain.
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Toxic to Humans
Sir made me erase and start over. Â I’m getting annoyed with him. Â He says that’s a good thing because I’m calming down… Â He should be thrilled with me right about now, then… So… fucking blog post for Sir. Ryan once wrote a blog post that he titled Toxic to Humans. Â He said his disease made him incompatible with other human beings. Â He’s right. Â He and I have the same disease… I hurt someone today because… because I did something I shouldn’t have done. Â And I tried to fix it, but when you say something that hurts someone you can’t really fix it. And then… because of that, that hurt…
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Midsummer Night’s Mania
It’s July, I made it past the solstice, which is good, the ramping up/more sunlight every day thing is murder for my brain. Â But summer is still hard. Â There isn’t enough structure, even when I and the people around me work to create structure, it’s summer. Â I NEED some unstructured time or I will burn out and not be able to teach in August. Â But I also… don’t function well with unstructured time. Â And even the kind of structure I can create when I’m not working, (making plans, meals out, museum/zoo trips, social gatherings, daily chores, etc.) isn’t as strong as having a work schedule. Â So… Â I struggle. I’ve been…
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