The Secret Place

Sir has been… seemingly forever… trying to teach me the value of half-measures.  I’m not good at them. The way Sir thinks things should work:  Too tired to unload the whole dishwasher?  Unload half the dishwasher and then have only half to do tomorrow… The way I think things should work:  Too tired to unload the whole dishwasher?  Leave the entire thing loaded so I can be too tired to unload a whole dishwasher again tomorrow… We cleaned the refrigerator last week.  It was authentically stressful to me to, first of all, even think about cleaning the refrigerator (there was a leak so water had pooled on all the shelves,…

So… we had multiple momentous events this week and this weekend is celebration weekend.  Last night the three of us did our own little thing at home.  Today we met up with K and J and all went to Boulder for the day. It was a nice day.  Everyone got along.  There was no drama and no issues.  Which is unusual for us lately, K and Sir have had some weird ongoing tension for a while.  And K and I have always had a kind of edgy humor/banter relationship. The problem with living in edgy land, however, is it’s easy to step over the edge, and inevitably, for as fun…

I was on Fetlife when Sir collared me, and I talked about it there, but I don’t think I’ve ever told the story here. One night, Sir was on his way out (night shift or something) and I was sitting at my computer.  Sub Brother was across the room on the couch, watching a movie.  Sir came up behind me and looped a piece of leather lace (like a leather boot lace) around my neck and tied it.  It wasn’t tight, but there wasn’t enough slack to easily pull it off over my head. He leaned close to me and said, “Don’t take it off.”  Then he left – with…

So… yeah… I got a dog. It’s been an extremely emotional process. After my dog died (T-dog), I was grieving, obviously, but also, slowly but surely, my anxiety became worse and worse until about a month ago I was having anxiety attacks and panic attacks daily, and went through a 48 hour period where I had 7 full panic attacks. I was reaching the point of literal emotional and physical exhaustion, and my body couldn’t stop. I was considering suicide, purely out of the desperate inability to continue to live with the panic attacks. It felt like drowning in the ocean and just being hit by wave after wave.  Some…

Um, because I’m an idiot and didn’t even think of this possibility…  No.  Sub Brother didn’t cheat.  This was not in any way a sexual issue.  It didn’t occur to me that it could be perceived that way until I was talking to Adele today and realized that I should really clarify that. Sir and Sub Brother have been spending some time and talking thing through and… I now feel that we’ll all come through this problem intact… but it was really really really sucky and scary for a while. Ironically, in the way that my life is stupidly ironic, now that I’m feeling more confident that we will survive… …

So… um… shit has hit the fan in a major way in our household this evening. I’m highly restricted about what I’m allowed to share publicly about this issue, so… forgive, please, the vagueness about to unfold. So… Sub Brother did something.  He did something really big that, sort of affects all of us.  But he did it weeks ago.  Or months ago, I guess.  And didn’t tell us. Sub Brother came clean tonight, terrified.  He came up to Sir and knelt, which he does sometimes, but… in this situation, it was like… um… like begging for forgiveness, or offering himself for execution… maybe both, in his mind. And he…

A friend posted this on Facebook today.  I should try harder to remember this.

Current food inventory of our kitchen: Freezer: 4 pounds of chicken 2 pounds of ground beef 2 bags of frozen mixed veggies 1 bag of frozen spinach Refrigerator: 1 package of baked tofu 1/2 package of bacon 1/2 pound of brussel sprouts 1/2 pound sauerkraut 1 box of coconut milk 1-1/2 packages of chicken sausage 2 cups of leftover gravy 1/2 bag of flax seed 1/2 bag of hemp hearts Pantry: Beef and chicken boullion 1 box of chicken broth 4 tins of  canned chicken 1 tin of sardines 3 freeze-dried backpacking meals 1 jar of green chili 4 bags of shredded coconut 1/2 bag of almond flour 1/2 bag…

I’ve had four panic attacks tonight – each has been worse than the last, and the first was worse than any I’ve had in years. Right now I’m calm but feel literally wrung… like my body has been twisted and squeezed. I deleted all of Michael and Ryan’s emails tonight.  I hadn’t been saving them nostalgically, just hadn’t bothered to deal with it… and the few times I’d tried to deal with it, there were too many memories and it was too triggering. Tonight it was still triggering. I’m tired. I hate WordPress. They have so jacked up my domain transfer.  It’s ridiculous. Sir says it’s bedtime. Goodnight, world.  …