Pauses
I was given a few minutes to write an email to MJ. Â He’s had a lung transplant and he’s getting better, but he had to be out of touch for so long that D relented and let me write him a quick email tonight after I got my other work done.
I had a productive day. Â I worked my ass off. Â I got caught up with school, I made a bunch of really annoying phone calls to insurance companies and doctors and hospitals trying to get some damn, stupid red tape resolved with an insurance claim.
I sent in my car registration renewal.
I bought groceries.
I ate three meals.
I was busy pretty much every minute of the day up until 11:30, then D said it was bedtime and I begged a few minutes to write MJ since I hadn’t talked to him in forever.
And I was feeling pretty decent. Â I was feeling productive, I was pretty happy. Â And then I sat down for ten minutes and I wrote MJ and then… it all came crumbling down on my head. Â I hate rapid cycling. Â That’s what this is, I know that, but I hate it. Â It’s so discouraging.
Now depression has fallen down on me, it’s like wearing a lead suit of sadness. Â I feel sad and lonely and weary and… sad.
I keep thinking of all the things I didn’t get done today. Â The friends I want to catch up with. Â The work I didn’t finish, the bills I didn’t pay, the chores I didn’t get done. Â Perception is a weird thing. Â An hour ago I felt like life looked pretty good. Â Now those exact same things look sad and miserable and depressing. Â How is that possible? Â It’s like turning off the lights, I was always told as a kid – there’s nothing in the dark that isn’t there in the light… but somehow the dark is still scary. Â Even though it’s all the same stuff, it FEELS differently when the lights are on than it does when the lights are off… Â Half an hour ago my brain switched the lights off and everything that was cheerful and bright in the light is now all shadowy and dark and unhappy in the dark.
Stupid brain.
So I sat and cried and wouldn’t go to bed, so D put me back on here.
Aren’t you all lucky?
