Peace…

I survived the first day of school, and it was actually awesome.  I think part of that is a more stable group of kids, though I already have one that I know has a horrific home life happening and I’ll need to really build some relationship with her.  But I feel like we had a great day, we did learning, we had a debate, we learned expectations and actually followed them.  I had kids problem solve for themselves at recess (after I set the expectations).  I had kids respectfully discuss different views of a topic, and at the end of the day when I let kids share their learning for the day, one kid said, “I learned that you can agree and disagree with a person at the same time!” another kid said, “I learned that there can be a lot of different ways to solve a problem!”  and a third kid shared, “I learned that people have a lot of different perspectives on the same ideas.”

Whaaaat?

I’ve never had a class go that well, be that reflective, or learn so much on a first day… EVER!

I think, part of it, is the group of kids.  Part of it is I changed a lot of things this year in my own teaching, in my expectations, and… I feel I went through a phase of literally and metaphorically throwing away other people’s shit.  When I moved into my classroom, the previous teacher had retired and so left, literally, all her crap (including food) in the classroom.  I’ve been afraid to and/or too overwhelmed to purge all of her stuff until the end of last year and the beginning of this year.

I also had been afraid to change, significantly, my classroom arrangement for several years because… people had opinions.

This year I said, “fuck it” and I told myself if I didn’t like it I could move it back.  I made some radical changes.  I threw out some people’s opinions.  And I actually like my space, now.  My classroom feels peaceful and positive to me.  And it feels like mine.  And it isn’t what other teachers would do… but it’s me, it’s mine, I like it, and I feel comfortable in it.

I also said fuck it to a lot of teaching advice and my own perfectionism and I am embarking on a year-long journey to “let it go…” and focus ONLY on my chosen goals this year, and everything else… I am going to let go.  My teammate writes a lesson plan that isn’t my favorite?  I’m not going to write an entirely new one for myself to teach the next day… I’m going to let it go… teach their lesson… and just focus on TEACHING the best that I can.

I’ve been writing my own curriculum, creating my own materials, AND trying to hone my teaching craft all at the same time… and with incredibly difficult students, and… that shit is just too damn hard.

This year I’m using the materials the district gives me.  I’m using the plans and materials that my teammates make regardless of whether I like them.  And I’m focusing on my teaching skills.

And my first day was awesome.

I’m exhausted.

My throat hurts from talking.

I came home sticky from the A/C and Sir made me take a shower.  And… showers are amazing.  I always feel like it’s so much trouble to get undressed and get wet and get dry and get dressed again… but… I feel sooo much better.

I took my dog for his long walk.  I almost talked myself out of it and did his short walk because I’m so tired, but I didn’t…

I had horrific nightmares last night… all night… I woke up on three separate occasions in a cold sweat.  And got up this morning exhausted.

But I’m clean.  I like my kids.  They’re chatty, but I think we’ll make it.

I’m hoping I can get the rest of the pieces of my life put back together now…  I feel like my routines are a shattered mess.  And we’re moving my stuff from my old place on Saturday… which means this place will be full of boxes of my crap.  Some of it I want, but most of it… I haven’t really missed it for a year… I’m going to have to do some hard thinking about how much it needs to live in my house now.

And maybe… when I have made both my classroom and my home… mine… unencumbered by the opinions of others (even just in my head).  Maybe… there will be a few more moments… of peace.

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